The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 171

Hello lovely Ches. I felt like posting but I have nothing to write about. Sooo here's something about me that you might be interested in reading. lol. I think I'm not a very emotional person. Whenever I watch sad movies or whatever I DON'T CRY. I find it pretty sad but it doesn't make me cry. Lovey dovey stuff can't make me cry that easily. Same goes to death of a loved one, or someone I know. I don't cry about that either. I just couldn't. So, the question is, am I cold hearted? O.o I just don't cry. Period.

The only people in the entire universe that I feel sorry for are the "invisible children" in Africa, as well as orphaned children and old, sick people around the world. I don't cry when I watch footages about them, but I do feel helpless. Like, I feel that I haven't done anything to help them but sit here and watch. *sigh* So, in the future when I have a stable career I'm making it my personal mission to go out there and help these people in any way I can, and for as long as I am able to. =D On Friday in class we watched that film "Invisible Children" again in class (the 2nd time that I saw it), and this girl in my class started sobbing uncontrollably. I sat there and thought wow, she's crying because of that and it hardly created any effect on me except for the fact that I feel helpless. The first time that I saw it I didn't cry either. So yeah, to sum it up: I am not a very emotional person. I don't cry that easily. I'm "manly", if you must put it that way.

http://www.invisiblechildren.com

Check it out. It won't hurt you.

EDIT



OMG!!!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ That's my man, dude. haha. I fell in love with him when I watched the world cup in 2006. Love his hair. =D
I had to resize it since the original is like GINORMOUS and all in your face. haha. ^_^

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 171

Hello my dearest ches. Guess what day is it today? Single awareness day. (I really didn't know until Che Xinh Xa told me. lol.) AKA! Valentines! The day when most couple get together and express their love while the rest of us sit and watch! Oh the pain! At least Che Thai is being brave this year and got pass the point of bitterness. I, on the hand, have not. LOL. I don't really feel THAT sad about it because, I know my prince will come one day and brings me the gifts that I always envy of other girls that are in a relationship. It'll be a blue moon when that happens though ='[. I didn't even have anyone be my valentine this year or asked, even if it's jokingly. BOO! *tears* It's probably because I don't really talk to any guys nowadays or I've lost all attraction to the opposite sex. Nah, I probably never even have any -_-' Anyways, I have given up until a cute guy comes my way *wink wink* haha jkjk.

Trying your best to make the one you like smile.
That smile means the world to you.
The world revolves around them on this special day.
When will I, be able to have that smile?

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 167

This year I feel completely different. I don't hate Valentines Day anymore. In fact, I just feel nothing. I don't feel lonely or depressed because I don't have a guy. I just feel NORMAL. And no I don't want a guy. So yeah, totally opposite of what Che Xinh Xa is feeling. *sigh* 1st test for Sociology is on Thursday. I've been reading every goddamn assigned chapter and take notes, and paid attention to lectures instead of sitting there wondering what time it is so I can go home and eat. haha. I feel quite proud of myself, actually. I'm glad that my goal has good progress so far. I don't know but I feel scared of this test. Even though I studied and read all the materials, I feel uncertain about it. I would die if I get a C or below after all the work I put into. You know that sometimes happens, and UGH...that would suck. So blah blah blah. I have to go to class now. I'll continue this entry after I get back...

Okay. We didn't have class. The freaking teacher didn't even let us notice ahead of time. I went to the library and did my homework. Still not done reading, though. Its endless. -_-

So, my guy left. I have no idea where he went. Now its all so boring because I no longer feel happy or excited whenever I go to that class. Its just whatever. =(

I think I like my little nephew more than my niece. I don't know, but I just find him cuter and I always like to hug him and squeeze him to death. haha. And kiss him, and I'd make him kiss me on my cheeks like 20 times until he gets annoyed. haha He's soo freaking cute. I like my niece too. She's so girly. But...I don't know. I guess we have a different bond or something? O_o

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without
...
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night
...
She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
...
So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

Such a beautiful song. It used to describe how I feel about a certain person. Only, I'm not that stalker-ish to have his picture and look at it every night. O_o

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 162

ah. How happy I am to come to this blog and find that somebody has blogged =] it shows I am not the only one doomed.

-sigh- I don't know why I torture myself so. Seeing people all lovely dovey with one another, it makes me happy, yet at the same time, depressed. Because I want that for myself. But I don't have it. I try to find it so hard, that when I do see potential, I tend to scare it away. Or my patience doesn't withhold in time and I lose interest. Sure, I still would like for the happy days to come, but they're no longer my top priority. Which sucks, cause that means in the long run, I will lose interest.

I was reading on soompi about bf and gf groping on one another, and somehow, I'm jealous of these girls being molested at such a young age. LOL that's sick right. LOL no, I just miss the intimacy that a relationship provides you. Being able to have someone to turn to, and I dunno, feel them up. It's so depressing, an hour later, I'm reading the make out session thread, and it makes me all teary. WHY WHY WHY.

3 weeks into school, and yet, I can say, I have improved myself. I do put in the effort to study and make ends meet. I think with motivation behind you, it does make the mind aware and more willing. =/ make much sense? Going to class and sitting there, I do try to take in what is being said. But seriously, 3 presentations due within the month? KILL ME NOW! And what makes it worst, they're all group projects.

Ah, that horrid day is just around the corner. Even though I'm not the only one on this boat, having to sit on it for so long, I am getting more weak and weak by the minute to uphold the stone-i don'tcare-face look. I walk into stores and departments and all I see are hearts and red and pink and it's sickening. like seriously, GET OVER IT. =P

I need a new hobby. Or or, my hobby can be studying, but it wouldn't last long. I'm over my jig saw puzzle days (though they will come back), I can't cook, I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't be a cam-whore all day, so what's left? Studying. I really never thought it was possible, but I am over my reading-obsession days. I would constantly be sitting anywhere with a book and just evolve into it, but now, I only pick it up when I'm doing business. =/ But I'm glad I had those days (even if it cost me a fortune) cause now I can actually pick up a text book and read it.

So I'm sitting here in the PSY experiment building, well, it's not all designated for PSY experiments, but a good number of the rooms are for such. Waiting for an empty computer to finish my last hour and a half of my experiment. Playing "shoot the tank". Okay, that's not what's it called, but thats all you do! I sit there for over an hour, and it is timed, killing 2-3 tanks before getting killed. 10 minutes into the game and I'm already sick of it, but I can't do much about that but keep playing. Yesterday, I devised a devious plan that got the other two tanks trapped into a corner with my own when I ran out of fuel to do anything. I thought I was home free, like, "OH YEAH, I out smarted you. I win. let me go home", but no, the tech dude moniter came over and made me self-destruct myself. =/ Another 20 minutes into the game, and I'm dying like hell. Oh wells, at least today was my last day, and I was paid $20 for it, surprise surprise. (CHA-CHING).

So much that needs to be done, sigh, I will end this post with a few short lines.

Time isn't enough,
Time isn't corrupt,
Time isn't critical,
Time is only forever.



Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 148

I just feel so helpless right now. I'm just not happy. I'm always having to be the stronger one. The one to take the punches when everybody wants to duck. I'm a strong person. I know that. But I can only take so much. I keep everything to myself because I don't want any problems. I don't want to cause anybody to hurt because of me. Today, somebody told me that I could be really naive sometimes. I'm sorry that I can't be mature all the time. I'm just not that type and you should've known that by now. But when you told me that, did I say anything? Of course not. Because I know that you're going through a rough time. And you think I'm not? Do you think that everything is perfect for me? Although I'm feeling like this, I'll still take your punches, because I know that I love you.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 146

I just got back from my Sociology class. I have to admit, I love that class because the teacher is funny. He teaches us but he also tells us funny stories and experiences that he had. It's awesome. :] So this semester, I have to do presentations at the end of the semester for all of my classes except math! I'm soo nervous, dude. I'm not so used to that, and plus I'm uber shy and quiet. GRR...Gotta get out of this shell! Sometimes I hate myself because I'm so introvertive, shy, quiet, blushes easily, etc. -___- -Sigh-

Anyways I'm not here to talk about that. I feel so foolish today. Just a simple gesture but he
made me smile like a mad woman. In fact, I'm smiling as I type this. haha. I don't want to go into details about this since someone can read it. O.O Oh gosh, I've been through that before in high school and it was soo embarassing I just wanted to die thinking about it. Did I tell you he has gorgeous eyes?! They're like blue and greenish. AHH!! haha :D

Oh yes I wore the yellow heart earings that Che Trai Cay gave me for Christmas today. I love it! You know how I always have this low self esteem thing? Well, I actually feel pretty today even though I didn't dress up or anything. hehe. ^_^ yay

Blah.

This week was midterm week. And I woke up late every single day of the week. What the hell. So, this morning, I got up really late and I feel really bad for my friend because she waited outside for 15 minutes in the freezing cold! I could not hear my phone ring, at all. And it's just stressful. I'm missing club today. I feel like I haven't been there as much as I should have. We're supposed to go over fire-safety so we can teach little kids today. I'm president and I'm not even there. I hate that. I don't think I deserve the title of being the president of clubs. To add on to this crap, I am gaining weight by the second. I eat and eat. But I don't have time to work it off. I just run in gym everyday but that's not enough. I've been waking up too late to work out. And I have to study at night, so, I can't work out. I hope I can begin working out more seriously next week. But I doubt that. I just hate this year so much. Senior year is supposedly supposed to be the best year. But it is not at all because:
a]We have new administrators at the school and they're making life hell.
b]I'm not as motivated as I used to be.
c]No time to work out.
d]No money.
My new years resolution for this year was to stay fit. Hopefully I can keep it alive. I am determined to make myself healthier. Starting next week. It will be a whole new start for me. I'm excited. How about you guys? What are your New Years Resolutions?

xoxo, with all my love,
Lan

The LAN feeling hopeless. surprised?

You guys, I feel so hopeless sometimes. I feel like I'm the type of person that will say the wrong things 99.9% of the time. I'm so tired of everything. School is biting me in the ass. And my boyfriend isn't making it any better. Sometimes, I feel as if he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Sometimes, I take things too lightly or say the wrong things. I can't help it. That's how I am. But he always expects me to be perfect. I cannot do that. Don't get me wrong. I love this kid so much. I love him so so much. But he'll never understand. I don't think a person can understand how much you love them because you're not them. It's frustrating. And I PMS. I'm a fucking girl. I have my weeks. For example, you guys know that I'm a private person. I don't talk about it a lot because that's not how I am. He just assumes that I never understand anything. But when HE'S the one that NEVER understands me. Even if he tried. But you guys, I don't know why. I love him so much. He doesn't treat me badly. I do say the wrong things a lot. And i'm too irrational. I don't know. With this. And school. I don't know what to do anymore.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 137

I'll learn to not be a fool again :) I think through all of this. I've grown to really detest people. It's like I'm trying to hate them. Somehow, this is going to make me feel all better. It's better to lock away the heart then put it out in the open the suffer through the rain, the snow, the hail, and the heartbreak. NO MORE FOR THIS CHE! Blah blah blah! I'll never be the same again. BOOO!!! I've grown to realize that this world is full of nasty people! BOOGARS! They are like boogars! Nasty and evil because boogars clog up people's nose; they clog up people heart! It's a hard knock life. There are days when I don't even want to pretend that this whole thing never happened, that it was all a big dream. I want to slap myself across the face and yelling as loud as I can.. "STUPID FOOL! IT'S OVER! FACE IT! WHY DO YOU CHOSE TO HURT YOURSELF OVER SOMEONE WHO PROBABLY COULD MOVE ON IN AN INSTANT! WHY WHY! WAE WAE WAE?!?" I thought i should add some Korean words in there to make it more dramatic... since afterall i'm "such a drama queen." HA! I'm sorry that my values and the things that effect me are not the same for you. You big JERK. I wonder why I still care for his well beings. ha ha ha! UGH! Is there anymore things that I should know? Anyone more secrets that would kill my little soul even more?! I'm sure there's a lot. However, I should restrain myself from finding out because I don't need to know anymore things. I'm already torn as it is. It's funny. I think I'm okay now but I still get carried away when I start talking about this kind of stuff. Maybe, it's because I never got the chance to yell out my anger or to slap that jerk across the face. Like that song "Like getting hit by a bullet" by Baek Ji Young. I'll wake up, brush my teeth, and get dress in the morning when the clock hits 7 AM. I'll go on living my life.. because that's what a break up means. It means you have to keep going. No matter how deep the cut is, the more you try to live wondering and indulging yourself toward something that's more than likely NOT going to happen, the more pain you'll be in. Let's not blame this on one person or the next that would be even more hurtful.. I'm not going to fall for words so easily anymore. This time.. sweet words isn't going to cut it.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 137

Yes, I've been neglecting this blog is because I'm lazy. I had a whole month plus of winter break, which will end soon. I'm going to be soo sad. haha. Well, I'm going to start working hard this semester to raise my GPA. Its not a bad, but I definitely think I can reach a 4.0 if I work hard enough!! The first semester of college wasn't as bad as everyone said it would, although I didn't even try. I'm starting to feel afraid of the future...like you know, having to grow up and everything. I've already decided that I want to go to med school but my parents wants me to go into pharmacy or nursing because it won't take a long ass time like doctors do. Seriously, man. wtf. they said that they don't want me to work because they are afraid that i'll neglect my schooling, and now they want me to rush it so i can work and make money?! argh. O.o so, whatever. i'm still sticking to my plans of going to med school and study anesthesiology.

oh yeah, and i gotta finish everything before i turn 30. ^_^ soo, just...10 more years to go. O.O when i have enough money i'm gonna go live in europe. hehe. that's one of my dreams, or plans.

i love this flower! its called plumeria
there are other colors too, but i only like the white ones.



ehh, boring post, i know. -_- but i have nothing to say! haha. maybe next time.