The Days Without Guys - Day 215

Do you know how I keep building this dream world, where nothing can ever go wrong. Living in a fantasy world that never leaves me in tears or pain that can't be whipped away. I hate myself for living this way, but old habits are hard to cure. I'm always putting myself in a spot of vulnerability, and that scares me that I can easily be concoered into trusting. Only every now and then do I not feel the stab, but that's because my coat of arms for such pain is hard to penetrate through.

When a person has been hurt repeatedly, how do you stop from being a fool? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I hate myself for thinking that I can change the situation. That if I ignore it, it'll go away. But no. All that's left is just an ache in my heart and tears on my cheeks.

Do you not have any idea what you're putting me through? How do you just go on about and do as you please without a regard to my feelings? We weren't suppose to end up this way. But I tolerated too much from you, and now it's left me in ruins. Couldn't you at least spare me the decency to acknowledge my stupidity? No, you leave me wounded and alone. Till the tears dry up and I'm once again easy to trick into your absolute deed of breaking my soul.

I hate how you think you can just walk away.
I hate how you can't pretend to at least care.
I hate how you chose a path that isn't safe.
I hate how you neglected to see that there are others out there for you.
I hate how you belittle yourself to make me feel guilty.
I hate the guilt you make me feel, when it isn't my fault.
I hate how you can't see that you're the one that's causing pain.
I hate how you can't imagine your life without him.
I hate how you have to depend on so much to survive.
I hate having to care about you.
I hate having to go through this every day.
I hate how I can't live without you.
I hate you for being what you think you are.
I hate you for not living your life.
I hate you for making excuses to ease your guilt.
I hate you for causing anyone thought and heart.
I hate you for not being there when I needed you.
I hate how I need you.
I hate how you chose him over me.
I hate you for making me cry.
And I hate myself for crying at all.

Words can't express the haze that's blinding me. The pressure I put on myself to control the blooming anger. It's suffocating me. It's making my head ache and my eyes red. I wish you'd go away so I can put it all behind me, like every other mistake of my life.