The Days Without Guys - Day 220

What now you guys? Seriously..WHAT now? Let me start off to tell you guys what I did all week.
Monday - Research Paper. Work.
Tuesday - Research Paper. Prepare for International Food Day.
Wednesday - Test. Study for Physics Test.
Thursday - Stayed Home. Research Paper.
Friday - Nothing in school. Went on the swings with my friend for a little bit. And while everybody went to watch the biggest volleyball game of the season, I had to go to work.
Saturday - Jogged. Late for work. Went to post office. Then, to Center City. AND then to South St. Pretty long day.

As you guys can see..I have no time for my friends or ANYBODY. I only have Sundays, but that's family day. And I just miss hanging out and being a teenager. It's ok. I know what I'm doing is going to help me a lot when I'm out there in the real world. But right now..I just want a break. I really do. And I think I'm gaining weight..=[ Even though I work out everyday. Jog all the time. I still feel fat and out of shape. I'm sorry for venting. But my friends don't want to hear it anymore and I don't know who else to say it to. I can't keep holding it in. I've had many times where I've wanted to throw up. But I know that if I do it, I'll get addicted and then I'll keep doing it. And I seriously do not want that. I know how to control myself but those thoughts are always in the back of my head. I wished that I loved myself a little more. I wished that I could look in the mirror and say..."hey, I look pretty today." and really mean it. I hate looking at myself directly in the mirror. I just look at my stomach..ALL the time to see how fat I've gotten. And lately, it has been getting pretty bad. Although people are telling me otherwise. I still think how I do. My best friend does not know how beautiful she is and she always compliments me when she's the one that's getting all the guys. It's kind of weird. But yeah. I sometimes wished that I wasn't so boring at first. I just hate showing and putting myself out there when I first meet somebody because I'm so insecure that they won't like me. Ok. Enough about me. As for you guys, I really do hope you all get better. I know we'll all get through the crap that we're going through. We've done it before. Smile. :]

The Days Without Guys - Day 218

I feel so sad along with the Che's who are suffering right now. There is not much to say accept that we are here. Talk to us and let us listen. CALL ME!!!

SO... I guess let me bitch too about life. I have two close friends that I hang with often and they like a guy that I like too. But they are more obvious about it, not afraid to touch him, lean on him, hug him, and even plan a surprise kiss on him. He doesn't like them because he likes me. We are like secretly trying to get together. But it is like impossible. I don't want to hurt my two friends. We have to secretly go see a movie and then come out like we didn't come in and then come back in to meet the other people. Why do we have to hide like this? It's painful to see the person you like surrounded by other girls. It sucks that we cannot even show the slightest interest in him. Like those movies, the parents also like to get in the way. Right now I'm trying to please my dad, who is like rooting for me to be successfull. He is realistic, he wants me to get a job and have a good life. He told me to not think about boys, get a boyfriend, blah blah. And my siblings are the nosy Asians, they like to ask questions, stare down any friend who comes to my house. Sighs. There are just so many factor, than just say lets be together and run away. I wish that was the case.

As for school, I'm in my 4th year and I don't have a clue what I want to do. My dad is paying for my education and I hate to see him wait and wait for me to get done and do something. I told him I don't know. And I don't know when it will take me to know. I don't want him to wait for me. I can borrow money to pay for my education. He is such a good father, that often time I feel so guilty if I don't try hard enough.

Talking about body image and selfesteem. What you see is not always what it is. I have my own problems. I am not the most fit person. I get tired just walking up to the third floor. And I don't exercise. I'm always wanting to eat. I feel that I can be better. I feel that guys dont ever talk to me unless I talk to them. it is either that they are not interested or they are afraid of me or something. Am I not friendly? lol. gosh. depressing it is. sometimes i just want to run away and travel and be a bum. if only i have the courage to stand up and say loudly that i quit! that i am over it all. this is why i wont have kids. i dont want to bring anymore human beings into this world. i want to tell my parents, why did they have me.. i mean- i dont want to be here. im tired of being the quiet, laidback, good girl, i dont know person. i want to be sure and step up and just beat the hell of things.

The Days Without Guys - Day 217

i think i finally got the hang of this numbering system partly cause i just count the days after che xinh xa's last post. haha =D

However, its back to posting about life for all of us. The portal to our life is starting to unfold as the countdown to graduation gets near. Sometimes, I just want to close that portal up and live in denial that we will be on our own soon. No more parents to call at work to buy milk because there's no more in the fridge. Everything will be on our shoulders. If you have weak shoulders, your going to collapse. If you have strong shoulders, how long will it take for you to collapse?

Life really hasn't taken me anywhere and as I sit and wonder why? The thought bounces back to as to, what I have even done for the river to flow my way? Absolutely nothing. I'm like that person who really tries hard to smile, be all bouncy, and cheery for those around me because if im sad its like the end of the world to some that knows me in person. My friend, once told me, well not once more since it like yesterday haha, that the last thing he wanted to see was me sad since i'm "happy little [che trai cay]." Is that what i really want people to see me as? I really don't openly tell people that i am sad nor want them to get involved with it. Since, honestly I get over things very quickly even if it kills me at that moment but what else can i do but move on? I'm not going to sit at home for like the rest of my life pondering on what went wrong. I try my best NOT to think of the worse things in life, keep my hopes up. But why doesn't it stay that way? I wake up. I trust. I given it my all. But in the end I'll be the one sitting alone in the dark trying to hold the tears back since all i wanted was to do well at life and in school I want to be accepted for being myself; naturally not so smart person but i try really hard in school, have no musical or athlete drive in me, and contain absolutely nothing "special." If people don't like it then too bad. I'll take my army against theirs. Yeah, thats right. GO DIE. haha. They say being yourself is much better than trying to be what others want you to be, but what about all of those who changes to something their not, into a totally jerkish because they didn't want to be alone. They rather give up themselves to have fake friends who would ditch them for free pizza. Well, not to that extreme but pretty close. haha.

The Ugly Best Friend

I hate how I'm the ugly best friend. Guys always want my best friend but she doesn't realize it and she always compliments me and whatnot. I wished that she wasn't though. It pisses me off that guys only talk to me when she's not around. I'm like the GO TO girl. AKA, the REBOUND. I'm so fucking tired of it.

EVERYTHING IS ON MY SHOULDERS

I have so much to do nowadays. I feel sad. Sometimes, I feel lonely. For example, today while walking down the hallway, I felt a sense of loneliness. I felt as if I needed somebody there to just hold me. And it kills me that I'm always wanting something that I can't have and I shouldn't even long for. I have a research paper due on Thursday. It's a lot to do. I have an internship to worry about. And I have to keep up my daily routine of working out. I hardly sleep anymore. And I think that is why I'm sick. I am falling behind SO much in all of my classes. I need to get away from everything for a moment. But it's hard to escape anything when everything is right in front of your face. Right now, I wished that I had somebody here to talk to me. A companion if you will. Just a person that will just listen. The person that I might be longing for doesn't even know that there might be a chance of me wanting him. As of now, I try not to think much about it. He's the most sweetest and most innocent thing I have ever met. The things that are keeping me away from him is that he's one of my friend's (aquaintence's ex). I don't care if I'm not close to her. It's still wrong. Another reason is that he is a year younger than me. A lot of girls probably chase him around all the time. And it pisses me off that I cannot long for him when all I want is to have him. Although this just might be an infatuated feeling. I'm not sure what to think anymore. I'm too busy for this crap talk. But then again, I feel as if I need to talk to him. He's thinking about somebody and it's not me. I have realized how annoying and unlikeable I am at times. I talk a lot and I'm too sarcastic. I think people get annoyed by that. And I'm too insecure. When I'm insecure, people take it as if I'm digging for compliments. Just to clarify things..I AM NOT DIGGING FOR COMPLIMENTS. I really feel insecure about myself. It pisses me off when people think that I'm starving myself because I lost weight. It pisses me off that they think I took the easy way out to become fit. I did not. And I refuse to. I love food too much. I work out every morning. So, yeah. This girl in my school angered me so badly the other day when she told me that I look like I need to eat. People act like I'm a fucking stick. I AM NOT! I have meat on me. Ugh...Whatever. And as for the guy, whatever happens happens. All I'm hoping for is that nothing happens at all. I don't want to talk to him anymore because I'm scared that if I keep talking to him, then I'll start liking him. I can't like him. I just can't. But he's so different. I really just want to hug him right now. I have to get back to my paper. I'll write whenever I can remember to write. I can't really breathe through my nose. My throat hurts and I still have to go to school tomorrow. That just pisses me off. I need a break. I need a hug you guys..
xoxo, with all my love
Lan Nguyen

The Days Without Guys - Day 215

Do you know how I keep building this dream world, where nothing can ever go wrong. Living in a fantasy world that never leaves me in tears or pain that can't be whipped away. I hate myself for living this way, but old habits are hard to cure. I'm always putting myself in a spot of vulnerability, and that scares me that I can easily be concoered into trusting. Only every now and then do I not feel the stab, but that's because my coat of arms for such pain is hard to penetrate through.

When a person has been hurt repeatedly, how do you stop from being a fool? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I hate myself for thinking that I can change the situation. That if I ignore it, it'll go away. But no. All that's left is just an ache in my heart and tears on my cheeks.

Do you not have any idea what you're putting me through? How do you just go on about and do as you please without a regard to my feelings? We weren't suppose to end up this way. But I tolerated too much from you, and now it's left me in ruins. Couldn't you at least spare me the decency to acknowledge my stupidity? No, you leave me wounded and alone. Till the tears dry up and I'm once again easy to trick into your absolute deed of breaking my soul.

I hate how you think you can just walk away.
I hate how you can't pretend to at least care.
I hate how you chose a path that isn't safe.
I hate how you neglected to see that there are others out there for you.
I hate how you belittle yourself to make me feel guilty.
I hate the guilt you make me feel, when it isn't my fault.
I hate how you can't see that you're the one that's causing pain.
I hate how you can't imagine your life without him.
I hate how you have to depend on so much to survive.
I hate having to care about you.
I hate having to go through this every day.
I hate how I can't live without you.
I hate you for being what you think you are.
I hate you for not living your life.
I hate you for making excuses to ease your guilt.
I hate you for causing anyone thought and heart.
I hate you for not being there when I needed you.
I hate how I need you.
I hate how you chose him over me.
I hate you for making me cry.
And I hate myself for crying at all.

Words can't express the haze that's blinding me. The pressure I put on myself to control the blooming anger. It's suffocating me. It's making my head ache and my eyes red. I wish you'd go away so I can put it all behind me, like every other mistake of my life.