The Days Without Guys Year 2 Day 54

Ever get that feeling when you see someone you like with someone else? I hate that feeling. It sucks. Reallyyy badly...it lingers around for a long time and just makes me feel down whenever I think about it. Whenever I laugh or feel happy again, the thought of it would come back and wipe out that smile on my face. It's not something I haven't experienced before. I wish I didn't have to see that today.

I officially told my dad that I want to be a doctor. I'm now reconsidering what profession I want to go to because if I go to school far away from home, one of my parents would have to go along with me and that just causes a lot of problems for us in the family. It's complicated. So, I figured I'll study something else instead of Anesthesiology, which makes a heck of a lot of money and it pains me at the thought of letting go on that future salary of $300,000 a year *_* The medical school near my area doesn't have that profession in their academic area. They have internal medicine, family medicine, gynecology/obstetrics (eww), osteopathic manipulative medicine, orthopedic surgery, psychiatry & behavior health, and surgery. I will not become a gynecologist/obstetrician! That just sounds gross, man. I'm considering internal medicine. :]

I complain way too much huh. -_-"

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 52

I need to stop my procrastinating habits. I really really need to stop. It's horrible. Any suggestions as to how I should stop?

xoxo,
The Che that will never finish her shit.
Che Dau Xanh.

The Days Without Guys Year 2 Day 51

Che Trai Cay forced me to post something. I don't know what to say. Oh wells. I only have 2 pictures of footie players, though since CTC wants to stare haha. They're currently my favorites.



I melt every time I see that picture.



Karim Benzema
Played for Lyon, but now plays for Real Madrid (eww) but I still love the guy.
Plays for France national team as well, numero 10.

I think I have a thing for #10 players. Messi, Totti, Benzema, Kaka, Cesc...

UGH! I am so freaking lazy to blog right now. I just got home from a 4-hour chemistry lab class and I'm starving! Been at school since 9:30. Ugh. I feel terrible. On a happier note, tomorrow is FRIDAY! YAYYYY. I can't wait until the Barca vs. Valencia match on Saturday because I just saw on the news that Messi already came back to Barcelona, so he'll be playing. I just freaking love that guy to death even though he's quite hideous looking. But who cares. He's mad talented. I would totally date him if I could. :D Anywho. Still no guys for me, but there's this one guy, and well...Banh Xeo, Che Trai Cay, and Che Xinh Xa already knows about so there is no need for me to ramble on & on about that. And I still think its stupid! Its not meant to be, nor was that a sign or whatever. O___o

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 51

there's only so many people you can please in your life.
the ones that you often let down,
are the ones that are most important.
sure, they forgive you.
sure, they love you.
sure, they will support your every action.
surely, the guilt is always there on your part.

on the other hand, he said "good luck" to me before we took our midterm. sadly, his wish for me didn't go through at well. it probably got lost in another dimenstion. haha jkjk. he prolly did good though because the boy is one smart cookie :)

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 50

This week is just horrible.

I missed my first class of the semester on Monday because I woke up late. My mind is all over the place. I'm sick. It's that time of month. I hate my grades this week with the exception of one. But even that good grade didn't make me happy at all. I don't know how to explain it. It's like, my days start shitty, but it usually ends nice. Dammnit, I'll just admit it. When I see him, it makes everything all better. All the shittiness of the day just goes away. Literally. I just become happy again. I don't know. I'm just angry at myself I guess. I can't focus. My body looks disgusting because I have not been working out due to being sick. I've been eating way too much. This week has been so bad that I had two bad coffee days. That's how horrible it is. I think I'm just being a big baby though.

Overall, I know that things will get better, they always do.

xoxo,
Che Dau Xanh

Du ma. Every time I try to log in, I always forget my password. And I still don't know who's who because you all have "che" in it. Is it your favorite che? Yesterday I went to an asian market and bought a cup of che. Haven't had that in a while.
Apparently, Chau's dad thought she and I were gay for each other because we are always doing stuff together. But we got it cleared out when Chau's mom called her and busted out "Do you like guys or girls?"
A couple of weeks ago, I got hit on by a girl. She asked me out but I shot her down. I wonder if she'll ever text me again. I mean, I would go out to eat with her, I like meeting new people and learning more about them. But anything else than that, then NO. I told a friend about this incident, and he laughed in my face and said I got the "gay vibe". This kind of incident isn't the first time. It has happened many times before. Lammmeee.
Something about guys...I guess it's because no one is ever sure what the other person is thinking. But when you are interested in me, are you genuinely interested in me? Do you care what I have to say? Or are you looking for a rebound? Are you aiming to get laid because you haven't hit an ass in a while? Personally I don't care because I'm not the type of girl to give it to you that easily. I am skeptical. I don't rush. So if you're aiming for that kind of shit, it wouldn't work out between us. Nor am I looking for any one. I never do. Looking back, I had never waited or wanted someone with the exception of Johnny.
Dude...I don't know how to end this post. It seems like there's always an insightful conclusion for reader's to ponder about...but I would greatly appreciate it if my landlord had wood flooring in our apartment instead lame ass carpet.

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 47

You let the tears fall. You didn't try to control them. You were immune to them.

Maybe life should be so simple. Then you would be happy. Yes, only you would be happy.

We can't bring back what we use to have. Because it has all been an illusion. A simple deceiving.

Happiness is only short lived if we don't fight for what we want. For the smiles upon our hearts.

I can't go on by myself. But if you're not there with me, I'll bear the burden of humanity and dread on alone. And somewhere on that cold road, someone will reach out to my cold hand. A hand that you've never felt, a hand that once could have caressed you.

I still can't understand my hesitation with you. The fear of asking for more. Of wanting what I can't have. Seeking what should have been mine. Yet even as I conquer myself, even if I am hurt fighting for you, this light of mine, has gone out. I'm not fighting for what I want anymore. Just the truth.

A final understanding. A revelation. The pieces of my heart.

We both lost. Yet I walked away with a sense of empowerment. Knowing that I tried, that I walked in with my eyes closed, but out with them wide open. I can see who you were, but who you are is someone I am done with.

You can stay in the circle we've built. A circle you've constructed to your liking, while I was just a guest.

Let me be one to make things easier for you. Let me set you free from "obligations" you don't want to fulfill. I won't scoff any longer. I won't make excuses for you from today.

We are again where we were before. Strangers in a crowd. No knowledge of one another. Our eyes will never meet again. Our presences will not linger.

What did we have?

Nothing.

...
It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's NO SURPRISE I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was NO SURPRISE

- No Surprise, Daughtry

The Day Without Guys - Year 2 Day 46

I feel like an emo kid, sitting in this lonely apartment that's completely silence. it's to the point where i can hear my own thoughts, it's rather creepy to me. i'm blasting the sound while watching this show called "the gioi vpop." it reminds me of vietnam, oh how i miss that place. i miss the love that i felt back there. i can't help it but cry everytime i call my family back in vietnam after hearing their voices. i really miss it, i miss how belonged i felt back there. i feel so out of place here, i look like this awkward child when i'm alone on campus. i wish my house was near campus so i could go back on the weekend, i just want to cry sometimes due to the loneliness. i have nothing to do beside homework or eat. i've eaten so much today just to keep me busy that it's disgusting.

tests are coming up; i HAVE to do better to make up for my horrible tests grade on my first exam. i'm scared that i won't be able to do better, that i'm going to fail my parents. i hate how nervous i get when i take tests that i constantly question myself and change my right answers to a wrong one. i will do better this time; i can do it! aja aja hwaiting! i must not get distracted this next 3 weeks!

ehh boy, where are you? the one that'll make me tingle on the inside? a slight wave movement from you will flicker my heart? i don't want a boyfriend but i just want to find someone that will make me smile when i see them. a one way crush will do.

The Days without Guys - Year 2 Day 45

Ches, I love you guys.


I was reading my old entries. Boy, I sounded depressing. I felt bad for myself. But thanks for sticking with me. Reading those entries made me feel so so stupid. =\ I guess you just live life and you learn. Anyway, I'm typing this because I will be studying for the next hour or so with no distractions. I'm going to fail this test. Lol.

I have two best friends. They are like my coffee. I need them. I wouldn't know where I'd be without them both. I love them to death. But from time to time, I want them to realize that they are amazing.

Friend #1: She's so great. So effin great. But sometimes, she does get a little crazy. She has so many family problems. And it sucks because I don't ever know what to do. I feel horrible. But I try to be there as much as I can. She's hating college right now, but I'm the one that's encouraging her that it'll be okay. All I want for her is to be truly happy.

Friend #2: Where do I start with this one? She's so amazing. Always settling for less though. But she's still amazing. I want her to realize that she doesn't deserve the shit that others put her through. She deserves nothing but true happiness. All I can do is be there for her. I feel horrible for not being able to do anything. I feel horrible that I can just tell her that everything will be okay and that she has me because I'm not there with her physically. That really kills me. I just want her to know how beautiful, amazing, funny, witty, and everything in between she is. Goddamnit. She's so great. All I want for her is to be truly happy.

Those are my two best friends. Don't they sound amazing?

I am so lucky to have them. I really am. They deserve so much better. They are good people too. It's not fair that I am always happy and they are not. It's also hard to enjoy my happiness fully knowing that my two best friends are not. It's just not fair. I'm not that great of a person. I want to just give them my happiness. I want them to know what it feels like. I want them to just enjoy everything.

If happiness came in a box, that would be my gift to them this upcoming Christmas. These two girls deserve nothing, I mean, NOTHING, but the best.


Until Next Time!
Che Dau Xanh

I don't know what to do any more. I came down here with a plan. At least I think I did...but what happened to the plan? Maybe there was never one in the first place.
Why are some people better off than others? Why do some people hit the jack pot while others have to work to get where they want to?
Lately, why do I feel so melancholy? Trying to find a bit of happiness in the most simple of things is hardly do able. My mind is unfocused and is always wondering off.
Funny, I thought moving down here would give me a break. But I'm hardly getting a break.
I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. This morning I thought "What's the point?" How sad...

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 41

Happiness: is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

I've never felt true happiness before in my life. But now, I think I have reached the point of over happiness. Is that even possible? I've discovered that it can be possible. Ches, you just have to find happiness in what you enjoy most. Don't let the little things make you unhappy. Being happy is a pretty damn good feeling. I will tell my story now...

After my breakup with my ex, I made a date for myself to get better. Made a date for myself to become myself again and let me find who I am again. Because 1. crying causes wrinkles, 2. wet pillows are hard to sleep on and 3. your eyes begin to hurt. On that day, I stopped crying. I stopped caring. On that day, I was on my journey to find true happiness. And I would say that my luck has been so great lately that it didn't take long for me to find my happiness. I tried to find a little joy in everything. Even trying to find joy in understanding a math problem or understanding an accounting problem. I began to give more time to my friends both near and afar. I began to become a good student again. And then..I met my rabbit's foot.

In the midst of me recovering, I met my lucky charm, the skim milk to my coffee, I met my happiness in real life. I don't even know where to begin. Or how I should begin. I have never felt this way before. I have never been this happy. Ever. Even problems that were hard for me to deal with before are easier to deal with now. Within seconds of talking to him, I am back to my normal laughing self. I have never met somebody that has made me laugh so much and is so caring at the same time. I like who I've become with him. I like who I am now. I like that I can sing in front of him and not care. I love that I can trust him. I love that he's sincere. I love the look in his eyes when he just looks at me. I just..love him.

Loving him has brought me to tears. I can't even explain it. It's a great feeling. Ches, don't dwell on trying to find happiness, we're all good people so the happiness will happen soon.

Until Next Time!,

Che Dau Xanh

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 38

Emotions. The depth of our soul. How can we function without it. Or can we?

The days that sweep by me, gray in the light, and dim at night. I can't find a way out. To be free from feeling. Then again, I fear, who will I be then, if I can't feel? Someone better off? Or someone, with a soul?

Every essences of our time, the contours of our breaths, it reeks of madden life. Bleak existence is so easy. To live day by day, focused on the clouds, and not the faces that descend upon our weak beings. Clouds that fleet by, no real purpose, drifting through and through. Not having to measure the truth or worse, the lies. To breathe without a hitch in your throat, fearing the worst to come. To blink unconsciously, because there is nothing troubling your thoughts. How one can't remember. Not being able to recall the pain, the memories that bring down our walls. Crushing our dreams, with no after thought.

Forget being real. I can live without tears. Live without needs and wants. Without dreams. I don't need to be weigh down by my own emotions. This damn has broken and the process of repairing is torturing me. Waiting day by day for emotions to harden, for the feelings to drift away, like strangers, we'll nod our greetings when put in the same room, but neither will have an effect on the other. We will remain strangers, the heart and the brain. Some people can juggle both.

This person needs to let go of the heart.

Ciao!