I've been struggling for the past few months. Constantly choosing between two rocks. The only thing I wanted was to crawl away from both these rocks to find shore. A haven to wrap around me. But that haven is so out of reach, my life boat is lost among the chaos.
The rocks I know I have to face to overcome it all. But in my mind, running away is the easiest way out. But I can't run far, I can't run forever. They both weigh so much to me, but yet, they both don't know how much they're hurting me. I can't take both rocks with me, apparently. I don't want that option. Why do I have to abandon one or the other. They both mean so much to me, but I can't ever have what I want.
My life boat, always there to take me away from the pain. Fighting along my side to help me reach my haven. But haven seems a distant away. We're paddling and all we see is sea around. I have to not depend on my boat and work for what I want.
And I try.
But this. Everything. I'm becoming someone new. Evolving and I don't know how to deal with anything. I can't brush it off anymore. I have to grow up now. Even as I reach the shores of haven, it's not what I expect of it. I am still struggling to understand what I have gotten myself into. It's been so long that I have gone without happiness of my own, I can't fathom what little is given to me. I am so desperate to find happiness, I am not willing to let it breathe on it's on. But I need to understand that everything takes time. I can't just suddenly have demands that I have neglected. And so, haven can't help me if I am not absolute with it. But how can I, when being in this strange place is enough to scare me back into my shell.
Rocks. Don't let go of either. They're not really rocks, as they pretend to me. They're sand. They can be pact tightly against one another, but they have to stay strong to keep it together against the waves. I can't always be there to patch up the castle.
Boat. Always by my side. Riding through thick and thin. Though there are wear and tears, you're still special and one day, you won't have to work so hard. I won't have to piggy off you to find my happiness, for you to find yours.
Haven. I'm lost. Will I find what I'm looking for in you? Can I depend on you to provide for me what I need. A place to run from the world and be safe? Then why am I still so scared of you. Scared that I'll wake up to find I have been deceiving myself all along. There is no haven. Only what I close my eyes to.
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Ah, the metaphors. It was nice to let things out. And yet, I'm still back at this blog. Some vacation.
Ciao!
