The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day Unknown (too lazy to count)

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." --The Fray

Things have been going pretty okay lately. I wouldn't ask for more. I wouldn't ask for less. It's just the future that is scaring me.

My nationality and religion makes it hard for me to have my cake and eat it too. It just sucks. It sucks knowing that one day, I'm not going to be as happy as I am now. I know that one day, things will change and that I myself will have to change. I try so hard to not think about it because I just want to live for the moment and be happy. I am happy now, but I know that one day, it'll all end. It'll just end. But whatever, I'm going to be as happy as I can now. Somehow, things will work. I know it will.

Until next time!

Che Dau Xanh

Sometimes I just want to pick up my cell phone and just call one of my friends and just talk...be it a long time good friend or just more of an acquataince. It's like this need to tell someone what I'm thinking. And more than once, what ever I'm yearning to share...yeah it's of little imporatnace. And the funny thing is, I'm also waitting for some kind of respond, just to hear another voice than my own.

blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhh
ok
it's lovely out. makes me happy =D

It is useless to cry. I feel so stupid...but at least I might be in the process of getting on the right tracks again.

The Days Without Guys Year 2 Day 54

Ever get that feeling when you see someone you like with someone else? I hate that feeling. It sucks. Reallyyy badly...it lingers around for a long time and just makes me feel down whenever I think about it. Whenever I laugh or feel happy again, the thought of it would come back and wipe out that smile on my face. It's not something I haven't experienced before. I wish I didn't have to see that today.

I officially told my dad that I want to be a doctor. I'm now reconsidering what profession I want to go to because if I go to school far away from home, one of my parents would have to go along with me and that just causes a lot of problems for us in the family. It's complicated. So, I figured I'll study something else instead of Anesthesiology, which makes a heck of a lot of money and it pains me at the thought of letting go on that future salary of $300,000 a year *_* The medical school near my area doesn't have that profession in their academic area. They have internal medicine, family medicine, gynecology/obstetrics (eww), osteopathic manipulative medicine, orthopedic surgery, psychiatry & behavior health, and surgery. I will not become a gynecologist/obstetrician! That just sounds gross, man. I'm considering internal medicine. :]

I complain way too much huh. -_-"

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 52

I need to stop my procrastinating habits. I really really need to stop. It's horrible. Any suggestions as to how I should stop?

xoxo,
The Che that will never finish her shit.
Che Dau Xanh.

The Days Without Guys Year 2 Day 51

Che Trai Cay forced me to post something. I don't know what to say. Oh wells. I only have 2 pictures of footie players, though since CTC wants to stare haha. They're currently my favorites.



I melt every time I see that picture.



Karim Benzema
Played for Lyon, but now plays for Real Madrid (eww) but I still love the guy.
Plays for France national team as well, numero 10.

I think I have a thing for #10 players. Messi, Totti, Benzema, Kaka, Cesc...

UGH! I am so freaking lazy to blog right now. I just got home from a 4-hour chemistry lab class and I'm starving! Been at school since 9:30. Ugh. I feel terrible. On a happier note, tomorrow is FRIDAY! YAYYYY. I can't wait until the Barca vs. Valencia match on Saturday because I just saw on the news that Messi already came back to Barcelona, so he'll be playing. I just freaking love that guy to death even though he's quite hideous looking. But who cares. He's mad talented. I would totally date him if I could. :D Anywho. Still no guys for me, but there's this one guy, and well...Banh Xeo, Che Trai Cay, and Che Xinh Xa already knows about so there is no need for me to ramble on & on about that. And I still think its stupid! Its not meant to be, nor was that a sign or whatever. O___o

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 51

there's only so many people you can please in your life.
the ones that you often let down,
are the ones that are most important.
sure, they forgive you.
sure, they love you.
sure, they will support your every action.
surely, the guilt is always there on your part.

on the other hand, he said "good luck" to me before we took our midterm. sadly, his wish for me didn't go through at well. it probably got lost in another dimenstion. haha jkjk. he prolly did good though because the boy is one smart cookie :)

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 50

This week is just horrible.

I missed my first class of the semester on Monday because I woke up late. My mind is all over the place. I'm sick. It's that time of month. I hate my grades this week with the exception of one. But even that good grade didn't make me happy at all. I don't know how to explain it. It's like, my days start shitty, but it usually ends nice. Dammnit, I'll just admit it. When I see him, it makes everything all better. All the shittiness of the day just goes away. Literally. I just become happy again. I don't know. I'm just angry at myself I guess. I can't focus. My body looks disgusting because I have not been working out due to being sick. I've been eating way too much. This week has been so bad that I had two bad coffee days. That's how horrible it is. I think I'm just being a big baby though.

Overall, I know that things will get better, they always do.

xoxo,
Che Dau Xanh

Du ma. Every time I try to log in, I always forget my password. And I still don't know who's who because you all have "che" in it. Is it your favorite che? Yesterday I went to an asian market and bought a cup of che. Haven't had that in a while.
Apparently, Chau's dad thought she and I were gay for each other because we are always doing stuff together. But we got it cleared out when Chau's mom called her and busted out "Do you like guys or girls?"
A couple of weeks ago, I got hit on by a girl. She asked me out but I shot her down. I wonder if she'll ever text me again. I mean, I would go out to eat with her, I like meeting new people and learning more about them. But anything else than that, then NO. I told a friend about this incident, and he laughed in my face and said I got the "gay vibe". This kind of incident isn't the first time. It has happened many times before. Lammmeee.
Something about guys...I guess it's because no one is ever sure what the other person is thinking. But when you are interested in me, are you genuinely interested in me? Do you care what I have to say? Or are you looking for a rebound? Are you aiming to get laid because you haven't hit an ass in a while? Personally I don't care because I'm not the type of girl to give it to you that easily. I am skeptical. I don't rush. So if you're aiming for that kind of shit, it wouldn't work out between us. Nor am I looking for any one. I never do. Looking back, I had never waited or wanted someone with the exception of Johnny.
Dude...I don't know how to end this post. It seems like there's always an insightful conclusion for reader's to ponder about...but I would greatly appreciate it if my landlord had wood flooring in our apartment instead lame ass carpet.

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 47

You let the tears fall. You didn't try to control them. You were immune to them.

Maybe life should be so simple. Then you would be happy. Yes, only you would be happy.

We can't bring back what we use to have. Because it has all been an illusion. A simple deceiving.

Happiness is only short lived if we don't fight for what we want. For the smiles upon our hearts.

I can't go on by myself. But if you're not there with me, I'll bear the burden of humanity and dread on alone. And somewhere on that cold road, someone will reach out to my cold hand. A hand that you've never felt, a hand that once could have caressed you.

I still can't understand my hesitation with you. The fear of asking for more. Of wanting what I can't have. Seeking what should have been mine. Yet even as I conquer myself, even if I am hurt fighting for you, this light of mine, has gone out. I'm not fighting for what I want anymore. Just the truth.

A final understanding. A revelation. The pieces of my heart.

We both lost. Yet I walked away with a sense of empowerment. Knowing that I tried, that I walked in with my eyes closed, but out with them wide open. I can see who you were, but who you are is someone I am done with.

You can stay in the circle we've built. A circle you've constructed to your liking, while I was just a guest.

Let me be one to make things easier for you. Let me set you free from "obligations" you don't want to fulfill. I won't scoff any longer. I won't make excuses for you from today.

We are again where we were before. Strangers in a crowd. No knowledge of one another. Our eyes will never meet again. Our presences will not linger.

What did we have?

Nothing.

...
It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's NO SURPRISE I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God know we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was NO SURPRISE

- No Surprise, Daughtry

The Day Without Guys - Year 2 Day 46

I feel like an emo kid, sitting in this lonely apartment that's completely silence. it's to the point where i can hear my own thoughts, it's rather creepy to me. i'm blasting the sound while watching this show called "the gioi vpop." it reminds me of vietnam, oh how i miss that place. i miss the love that i felt back there. i can't help it but cry everytime i call my family back in vietnam after hearing their voices. i really miss it, i miss how belonged i felt back there. i feel so out of place here, i look like this awkward child when i'm alone on campus. i wish my house was near campus so i could go back on the weekend, i just want to cry sometimes due to the loneliness. i have nothing to do beside homework or eat. i've eaten so much today just to keep me busy that it's disgusting.

tests are coming up; i HAVE to do better to make up for my horrible tests grade on my first exam. i'm scared that i won't be able to do better, that i'm going to fail my parents. i hate how nervous i get when i take tests that i constantly question myself and change my right answers to a wrong one. i will do better this time; i can do it! aja aja hwaiting! i must not get distracted this next 3 weeks!

ehh boy, where are you? the one that'll make me tingle on the inside? a slight wave movement from you will flicker my heart? i don't want a boyfriend but i just want to find someone that will make me smile when i see them. a one way crush will do.

The Days without Guys - Year 2 Day 45

Ches, I love you guys.


I was reading my old entries. Boy, I sounded depressing. I felt bad for myself. But thanks for sticking with me. Reading those entries made me feel so so stupid. =\ I guess you just live life and you learn. Anyway, I'm typing this because I will be studying for the next hour or so with no distractions. I'm going to fail this test. Lol.

I have two best friends. They are like my coffee. I need them. I wouldn't know where I'd be without them both. I love them to death. But from time to time, I want them to realize that they are amazing.

Friend #1: She's so great. So effin great. But sometimes, she does get a little crazy. She has so many family problems. And it sucks because I don't ever know what to do. I feel horrible. But I try to be there as much as I can. She's hating college right now, but I'm the one that's encouraging her that it'll be okay. All I want for her is to be truly happy.

Friend #2: Where do I start with this one? She's so amazing. Always settling for less though. But she's still amazing. I want her to realize that she doesn't deserve the shit that others put her through. She deserves nothing but true happiness. All I can do is be there for her. I feel horrible for not being able to do anything. I feel horrible that I can just tell her that everything will be okay and that she has me because I'm not there with her physically. That really kills me. I just want her to know how beautiful, amazing, funny, witty, and everything in between she is. Goddamnit. She's so great. All I want for her is to be truly happy.

Those are my two best friends. Don't they sound amazing?

I am so lucky to have them. I really am. They deserve so much better. They are good people too. It's not fair that I am always happy and they are not. It's also hard to enjoy my happiness fully knowing that my two best friends are not. It's just not fair. I'm not that great of a person. I want to just give them my happiness. I want them to know what it feels like. I want them to just enjoy everything.

If happiness came in a box, that would be my gift to them this upcoming Christmas. These two girls deserve nothing, I mean, NOTHING, but the best.


Until Next Time!
Che Dau Xanh

I don't know what to do any more. I came down here with a plan. At least I think I did...but what happened to the plan? Maybe there was never one in the first place.
Why are some people better off than others? Why do some people hit the jack pot while others have to work to get where they want to?
Lately, why do I feel so melancholy? Trying to find a bit of happiness in the most simple of things is hardly do able. My mind is unfocused and is always wondering off.
Funny, I thought moving down here would give me a break. But I'm hardly getting a break.
I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. This morning I thought "What's the point?" How sad...

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 41

Happiness: is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

I've never felt true happiness before in my life. But now, I think I have reached the point of over happiness. Is that even possible? I've discovered that it can be possible. Ches, you just have to find happiness in what you enjoy most. Don't let the little things make you unhappy. Being happy is a pretty damn good feeling. I will tell my story now...

After my breakup with my ex, I made a date for myself to get better. Made a date for myself to become myself again and let me find who I am again. Because 1. crying causes wrinkles, 2. wet pillows are hard to sleep on and 3. your eyes begin to hurt. On that day, I stopped crying. I stopped caring. On that day, I was on my journey to find true happiness. And I would say that my luck has been so great lately that it didn't take long for me to find my happiness. I tried to find a little joy in everything. Even trying to find joy in understanding a math problem or understanding an accounting problem. I began to give more time to my friends both near and afar. I began to become a good student again. And then..I met my rabbit's foot.

In the midst of me recovering, I met my lucky charm, the skim milk to my coffee, I met my happiness in real life. I don't even know where to begin. Or how I should begin. I have never felt this way before. I have never been this happy. Ever. Even problems that were hard for me to deal with before are easier to deal with now. Within seconds of talking to him, I am back to my normal laughing self. I have never met somebody that has made me laugh so much and is so caring at the same time. I like who I've become with him. I like who I am now. I like that I can sing in front of him and not care. I love that I can trust him. I love that he's sincere. I love the look in his eyes when he just looks at me. I just..love him.

Loving him has brought me to tears. I can't even explain it. It's a great feeling. Ches, don't dwell on trying to find happiness, we're all good people so the happiness will happen soon.

Until Next Time!,

Che Dau Xanh

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 38

Emotions. The depth of our soul. How can we function without it. Or can we?

The days that sweep by me, gray in the light, and dim at night. I can't find a way out. To be free from feeling. Then again, I fear, who will I be then, if I can't feel? Someone better off? Or someone, with a soul?

Every essences of our time, the contours of our breaths, it reeks of madden life. Bleak existence is so easy. To live day by day, focused on the clouds, and not the faces that descend upon our weak beings. Clouds that fleet by, no real purpose, drifting through and through. Not having to measure the truth or worse, the lies. To breathe without a hitch in your throat, fearing the worst to come. To blink unconsciously, because there is nothing troubling your thoughts. How one can't remember. Not being able to recall the pain, the memories that bring down our walls. Crushing our dreams, with no after thought.

Forget being real. I can live without tears. Live without needs and wants. Without dreams. I don't need to be weigh down by my own emotions. This damn has broken and the process of repairing is torturing me. Waiting day by day for emotions to harden, for the feelings to drift away, like strangers, we'll nod our greetings when put in the same room, but neither will have an effect on the other. We will remain strangers, the heart and the brain. Some people can juggle both.

This person needs to let go of the heart.

Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 20

AH, how could i forget about this blog? the only place where one can let go of the blouders that's holding them back from expressing their true emotions, in fear that it'll hurt somebody else.


i've always considered myself to be a klutz but it's okay. i've learn to live with it. being a klutz and what others would call stupid go hand in hand. i normally try to brush off the words of others because afterall, it's just words right? actually, it's stings like having thousands of needles being pressed against your soft and fragile heart. it's a direct KO. no use trying to resist it. seriously, there's only so much that this balloon can take in before it explodes. i'm human too, i have feelings. would someone consider them for once? what makes a person better than another? literacy and intelligience varies. do you think that i want to be slower than others? do you think i find pleasure at people laughing at me, not with me? i wish i had close friends here. afterall, at the end of the day, i'm the one sitting in my room, crying to myself. i'm tired of being so helpless that i have to result to tears? what are tears going to do for me? it shows me that i am a weakling that can't take a little "joke". what are jokes when you're always the one that's being targeted? it's saddening when you realize that you end up "dissing" yourself so they don't have the chance to do it first. i don't even know what else to say. i feel so mellow and confused about myself and my abilities. what can i do right? since apparently boiling banh bot loc is clearly not my strong point.

i'll be fine tomorrow. it just gets awfully lonely here.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 341

Believing is one thing, and reality is another.

I've been struggling for the past few months. Constantly choosing between two rocks. The only thing I wanted was to crawl away from both these rocks to find shore. A haven to wrap around me. But that haven is so out of reach, my life boat is lost among the chaos.

The rocks I know I have to face to overcome it all. But in my mind, running away is the easiest way out. But I can't run far, I can't run forever. They both weigh so much to me, but yet, they both don't know how much they're hurting me. I can't take both rocks with me, apparently. I don't want that option. Why do I have to abandon one or the other. They both mean so much to me, but I can't ever have what I want.

My life boat, always there to take me away from the pain. Fighting along my side to help me reach my haven. But haven seems a distant away. We're paddling and all we see is sea around. I have to not depend on my boat and work for what I want.

And I try.

But this. Everything. I'm becoming someone new. Evolving and I don't know how to deal with anything. I can't brush it off anymore. I have to grow up now. Even as I reach the shores of haven, it's not what I expect of it. I am still struggling to understand what I have gotten myself into. It's been so long that I have gone without happiness of my own, I can't fathom what little is given to me. I am so desperate to find happiness, I am not willing to let it breathe on it's on. But I need to understand that everything takes time. I can't just suddenly have demands that I have neglected. And so, haven can't help me if I am not absolute with it. But how can I, when being in this strange place is enough to scare me back into my shell.

Rocks. Don't let go of either. They're not really rocks, as they pretend to me. They're sand. They can be pact tightly against one another, but they have to stay strong to keep it together against the waves. I can't always be there to patch up the castle.

Boat. Always by my side. Riding through thick and thin. Though there are wear and tears, you're still special and one day, you won't have to work so hard. I won't have to piggy off you to find my happiness, for you to find yours.

Haven. I'm lost. Will I find what I'm looking for in you? Can I depend on you to provide for me what I need. A place to run from the world and be safe? Then why am I still so scared of you. Scared that I'll wake up to find I have been deceiving myself all along. There is no haven. Only what I close my eyes to.

---------------------------------------

Ah, the metaphors. It was nice to let things out. And yet, I'm still back at this blog. Some vacation.

Ciao!

The Days Without Guys Year 1 Day 278

Let me start this out by asking a question. Do you Che`s like it when a guy hits on you? Whether its some random guy, your best friend, a classmate, co-worker, etc. I absolutely hate it. Sure, he wants to get to know me, cua me, etc. but it makes me hate it more rather than feel special or whatever the heo. O_o I prefer the friendly chatters and slowly developing the friendship rather than someone hitting on me right off the bat. Its just weird. Creepy. Maybe I don't like guys who are straightforward and...initiative? lol. I don't know.

I warn ya, if you don't understand/don't care about all these footie (soccer) junk and me being a footie fanatic, then skip it RIGHT NOW! Read about other stuff I wrote that you actually understand. haha. :]

So, dudes! My team won the UEFA Champions League! OMGAH. I swear I memorized that match since I saw it about 3 or 4 times. -_- I've never been any happier in my life, and of course I get to say "in yo face" to people I know who support Manchester United. =P that's probably the 2nd best thing about it. haha.

Trophy awarded to the new champion - FC Barcelona
My new man is jersey numero uh...diez. Did I spell that right? 10, far left. Okie, he's sorta ugly but man...that dude is so good and his talent is to DIE for...AND he's only 2 years older than me! I bet he's gonna win the player of the year award. :D



YAH! FIFA 2009 South Africa Confederations Cup coming up on June 14th. Its not like anyone really gives a damn about this, but the teams include: USA, Brazil, Spain, Italy, Iraq, Egypt, South Africa, and New Zealand. I bet..., no I KNOW that Brazil, Spain, and Italy will kick the other's ass. :D I just can't wait to watch my Spanish lovers play. Ahh, how beautiful that will be. Hot men running around for 90 minutes. ^^ I hope Kaka, Robinho and Pato (Brazil) will play too. That will make the Brazil team complete and worthwhile to watch.

I swear, I can talk endlessly about soccer!!! HAHA. Right now I'm going gah-gah over this Italian player, Alessandro Del Piero. OMGAH. *_* He's 34 years old, and he plays for Juvie...uh, Juventus FC, that is. So fiooneee. <3

Has anyone ever told you that you are beautiful inside and out? I never really thought about that until recently. First of all, though, what makes a person beautiful? Apperances, of course and personality. But every culture has its own concept of defining beauty. Some people are beautiful, apperance wise, but have an ugly personality. I once saw bits and pieces of the TV show True Beauty. It makes me laugh because those people are so self-centered and arrogant, and they're not really that beautiful or handsome. -_- I've seen people who are even more beautiful/good looking than them! Anywho, the show is about finding someone who is truly beautiful, both on the inside and out... Heh, that eliminates a lot of people huh? -_-

I almost cried when I saw this video. Of course the storyline isn't very original, but oh my...the singer is incredibly handsome and talented. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RQ7_qIwO6A

Blah. Sorry. Boring post. Same old same old for me. No guys, no problem. :] Wait, am I the only one who feels this way? Che Xinh Xa seems so hate it. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, WOMAN!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 259

With little time to spare, memories come and go. Can you say you won't regret waking the next morning to find the sun has set and gone? To blink and let all pass you gone? Dream a dark pit with void?

I listen as the water beats on the rocks. Luminous life floats on by. Waiting for savor. How little turns my head. Bound by the sea of light, I search from nowhere. A distance cry. Startling life. Beats shrill the night. I wait.

-

No idea what I just wrote. Nonsense. Entirely.

When I thought all is calm, and that I had found sanctuary, the tables are turned on me. Now I have no clue. Decisions decisions. Will my dreams get crushed and the past haunt me? I have yet to answer. But time does not wait.

-

The days without guys. "When you're having fun, time flies". what BS. When you're having "fun", it's only to set you up for disappointment. I don't need fun, I need satisfaction. At least then I know it isn't pseudo.

Thinking about it gives me closure, knowing that I am still alive, and not buried under the loneliness. But thoughts come with pain.

-

Lets translate all of the above into english why don't we?

-

Am I sick of being single? Yes.

What do I plan on doing about it? Nothing

Why not, you idiot? Because good things come to those who wait.

BULLSHIT.

But even if I don't agree, I am still not going to do anything to change it, because I am too afraid of jinxing myself. What I do need to do is stop being so picky. Or so everybody keeps telling me. Am I so picky? I think not. I just happen to not find anyone that satisfy me. Brings us back to the point that yes, I can have fun with someone, but at the end of the day, I am not satisfied. So what is the outcome?

The continuation of this blog. -_-

Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 229

We have memories.
They haunt us.
They bring tears.
They torment.
They bring clouds.
They delude us.
They age us.
They're wonders.

In each of us, we obtain mass thoughts and opinions that form a memory box. To obtain this box, we have to live. Live and let live.

.

I wish I could live in my memories. Or better yet, live in my dreams. Where anything could happen, and nothing could hurt me. Where my desires and needs are never dash. I can reach beyond my limits and see what is in front of me. I want to stop reaching for what's not there. The disappointment of being hopeful. Ah the pain. I reach into my heart and pull out air. There is nothing there. Wait, there is something there. A preset of challenges. Could I doubt myself any further? To see deeper into myself. I need to see to believe.

.

Dimming lights should mean a new scene. A change of scene. A new beginning. My lights go out one by one, dragging the agony days after days, months after months. The scene is not over until all my lights are out. I want a new beginning. To start afresh from my wrongs. But there's no escape. I have to pay for my deeds. Whistles sound from afar. But never is it my train.

Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 180

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I don't know why.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 171

Hello lovely Ches. I felt like posting but I have nothing to write about. Sooo here's something about me that you might be interested in reading. lol. I think I'm not a very emotional person. Whenever I watch sad movies or whatever I DON'T CRY. I find it pretty sad but it doesn't make me cry. Lovey dovey stuff can't make me cry that easily. Same goes to death of a loved one, or someone I know. I don't cry about that either. I just couldn't. So, the question is, am I cold hearted? O.o I just don't cry. Period.

The only people in the entire universe that I feel sorry for are the "invisible children" in Africa, as well as orphaned children and old, sick people around the world. I don't cry when I watch footages about them, but I do feel helpless. Like, I feel that I haven't done anything to help them but sit here and watch. *sigh* So, in the future when I have a stable career I'm making it my personal mission to go out there and help these people in any way I can, and for as long as I am able to. =D On Friday in class we watched that film "Invisible Children" again in class (the 2nd time that I saw it), and this girl in my class started sobbing uncontrollably. I sat there and thought wow, she's crying because of that and it hardly created any effect on me except for the fact that I feel helpless. The first time that I saw it I didn't cry either. So yeah, to sum it up: I am not a very emotional person. I don't cry that easily. I'm "manly", if you must put it that way.

http://www.invisiblechildren.com

Check it out. It won't hurt you.

EDIT



OMG!!!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ That's my man, dude. haha. I fell in love with him when I watched the world cup in 2006. Love his hair. =D
I had to resize it since the original is like GINORMOUS and all in your face. haha. ^_^

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 171

Hello my dearest ches. Guess what day is it today? Single awareness day. (I really didn't know until Che Xinh Xa told me. lol.) AKA! Valentines! The day when most couple get together and express their love while the rest of us sit and watch! Oh the pain! At least Che Thai is being brave this year and got pass the point of bitterness. I, on the hand, have not. LOL. I don't really feel THAT sad about it because, I know my prince will come one day and brings me the gifts that I always envy of other girls that are in a relationship. It'll be a blue moon when that happens though ='[. I didn't even have anyone be my valentine this year or asked, even if it's jokingly. BOO! *tears* It's probably because I don't really talk to any guys nowadays or I've lost all attraction to the opposite sex. Nah, I probably never even have any -_-' Anyways, I have given up until a cute guy comes my way *wink wink* haha jkjk.

Trying your best to make the one you like smile.
That smile means the world to you.
The world revolves around them on this special day.
When will I, be able to have that smile?

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 167

This year I feel completely different. I don't hate Valentines Day anymore. In fact, I just feel nothing. I don't feel lonely or depressed because I don't have a guy. I just feel NORMAL. And no I don't want a guy. So yeah, totally opposite of what Che Xinh Xa is feeling. *sigh* 1st test for Sociology is on Thursday. I've been reading every goddamn assigned chapter and take notes, and paid attention to lectures instead of sitting there wondering what time it is so I can go home and eat. haha. I feel quite proud of myself, actually. I'm glad that my goal has good progress so far. I don't know but I feel scared of this test. Even though I studied and read all the materials, I feel uncertain about it. I would die if I get a C or below after all the work I put into. You know that sometimes happens, and UGH...that would suck. So blah blah blah. I have to go to class now. I'll continue this entry after I get back...

Okay. We didn't have class. The freaking teacher didn't even let us notice ahead of time. I went to the library and did my homework. Still not done reading, though. Its endless. -_-

So, my guy left. I have no idea where he went. Now its all so boring because I no longer feel happy or excited whenever I go to that class. Its just whatever. =(

I think I like my little nephew more than my niece. I don't know, but I just find him cuter and I always like to hug him and squeeze him to death. haha. And kiss him, and I'd make him kiss me on my cheeks like 20 times until he gets annoyed. haha He's soo freaking cute. I like my niece too. She's so girly. But...I don't know. I guess we have a different bond or something? O_o

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without
...
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night
...
She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
...
So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

Such a beautiful song. It used to describe how I feel about a certain person. Only, I'm not that stalker-ish to have his picture and look at it every night. O_o

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 162

ah. How happy I am to come to this blog and find that somebody has blogged =] it shows I am not the only one doomed.

-sigh- I don't know why I torture myself so. Seeing people all lovely dovey with one another, it makes me happy, yet at the same time, depressed. Because I want that for myself. But I don't have it. I try to find it so hard, that when I do see potential, I tend to scare it away. Or my patience doesn't withhold in time and I lose interest. Sure, I still would like for the happy days to come, but they're no longer my top priority. Which sucks, cause that means in the long run, I will lose interest.

I was reading on soompi about bf and gf groping on one another, and somehow, I'm jealous of these girls being molested at such a young age. LOL that's sick right. LOL no, I just miss the intimacy that a relationship provides you. Being able to have someone to turn to, and I dunno, feel them up. It's so depressing, an hour later, I'm reading the make out session thread, and it makes me all teary. WHY WHY WHY.

3 weeks into school, and yet, I can say, I have improved myself. I do put in the effort to study and make ends meet. I think with motivation behind you, it does make the mind aware and more willing. =/ make much sense? Going to class and sitting there, I do try to take in what is being said. But seriously, 3 presentations due within the month? KILL ME NOW! And what makes it worst, they're all group projects.

Ah, that horrid day is just around the corner. Even though I'm not the only one on this boat, having to sit on it for so long, I am getting more weak and weak by the minute to uphold the stone-i don'tcare-face look. I walk into stores and departments and all I see are hearts and red and pink and it's sickening. like seriously, GET OVER IT. =P

I need a new hobby. Or or, my hobby can be studying, but it wouldn't last long. I'm over my jig saw puzzle days (though they will come back), I can't cook, I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't be a cam-whore all day, so what's left? Studying. I really never thought it was possible, but I am over my reading-obsession days. I would constantly be sitting anywhere with a book and just evolve into it, but now, I only pick it up when I'm doing business. =/ But I'm glad I had those days (even if it cost me a fortune) cause now I can actually pick up a text book and read it.

So I'm sitting here in the PSY experiment building, well, it's not all designated for PSY experiments, but a good number of the rooms are for such. Waiting for an empty computer to finish my last hour and a half of my experiment. Playing "shoot the tank". Okay, that's not what's it called, but thats all you do! I sit there for over an hour, and it is timed, killing 2-3 tanks before getting killed. 10 minutes into the game and I'm already sick of it, but I can't do much about that but keep playing. Yesterday, I devised a devious plan that got the other two tanks trapped into a corner with my own when I ran out of fuel to do anything. I thought I was home free, like, "OH YEAH, I out smarted you. I win. let me go home", but no, the tech dude moniter came over and made me self-destruct myself. =/ Another 20 minutes into the game, and I'm dying like hell. Oh wells, at least today was my last day, and I was paid $20 for it, surprise surprise. (CHA-CHING).

So much that needs to be done, sigh, I will end this post with a few short lines.

Time isn't enough,
Time isn't corrupt,
Time isn't critical,
Time is only forever.



Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 148

I just feel so helpless right now. I'm just not happy. I'm always having to be the stronger one. The one to take the punches when everybody wants to duck. I'm a strong person. I know that. But I can only take so much. I keep everything to myself because I don't want any problems. I don't want to cause anybody to hurt because of me. Today, somebody told me that I could be really naive sometimes. I'm sorry that I can't be mature all the time. I'm just not that type and you should've known that by now. But when you told me that, did I say anything? Of course not. Because I know that you're going through a rough time. And you think I'm not? Do you think that everything is perfect for me? Although I'm feeling like this, I'll still take your punches, because I know that I love you.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 146

I just got back from my Sociology class. I have to admit, I love that class because the teacher is funny. He teaches us but he also tells us funny stories and experiences that he had. It's awesome. :] So this semester, I have to do presentations at the end of the semester for all of my classes except math! I'm soo nervous, dude. I'm not so used to that, and plus I'm uber shy and quiet. GRR...Gotta get out of this shell! Sometimes I hate myself because I'm so introvertive, shy, quiet, blushes easily, etc. -___- -Sigh-

Anyways I'm not here to talk about that. I feel so foolish today. Just a simple gesture but he
made me smile like a mad woman. In fact, I'm smiling as I type this. haha. I don't want to go into details about this since someone can read it. O.O Oh gosh, I've been through that before in high school and it was soo embarassing I just wanted to die thinking about it. Did I tell you he has gorgeous eyes?! They're like blue and greenish. AHH!! haha :D

Oh yes I wore the yellow heart earings that Che Trai Cay gave me for Christmas today. I love it! You know how I always have this low self esteem thing? Well, I actually feel pretty today even though I didn't dress up or anything. hehe. ^_^ yay

Blah.

This week was midterm week. And I woke up late every single day of the week. What the hell. So, this morning, I got up really late and I feel really bad for my friend because she waited outside for 15 minutes in the freezing cold! I could not hear my phone ring, at all. And it's just stressful. I'm missing club today. I feel like I haven't been there as much as I should have. We're supposed to go over fire-safety so we can teach little kids today. I'm president and I'm not even there. I hate that. I don't think I deserve the title of being the president of clubs. To add on to this crap, I am gaining weight by the second. I eat and eat. But I don't have time to work it off. I just run in gym everyday but that's not enough. I've been waking up too late to work out. And I have to study at night, so, I can't work out. I hope I can begin working out more seriously next week. But I doubt that. I just hate this year so much. Senior year is supposedly supposed to be the best year. But it is not at all because:
a]We have new administrators at the school and they're making life hell.
b]I'm not as motivated as I used to be.
c]No time to work out.
d]No money.
My new years resolution for this year was to stay fit. Hopefully I can keep it alive. I am determined to make myself healthier. Starting next week. It will be a whole new start for me. I'm excited. How about you guys? What are your New Years Resolutions?

xoxo, with all my love,
Lan

The LAN feeling hopeless. surprised?

You guys, I feel so hopeless sometimes. I feel like I'm the type of person that will say the wrong things 99.9% of the time. I'm so tired of everything. School is biting me in the ass. And my boyfriend isn't making it any better. Sometimes, I feel as if he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Sometimes, I take things too lightly or say the wrong things. I can't help it. That's how I am. But he always expects me to be perfect. I cannot do that. Don't get me wrong. I love this kid so much. I love him so so much. But he'll never understand. I don't think a person can understand how much you love them because you're not them. It's frustrating. And I PMS. I'm a fucking girl. I have my weeks. For example, you guys know that I'm a private person. I don't talk about it a lot because that's not how I am. He just assumes that I never understand anything. But when HE'S the one that NEVER understands me. Even if he tried. But you guys, I don't know why. I love him so much. He doesn't treat me badly. I do say the wrong things a lot. And i'm too irrational. I don't know. With this. And school. I don't know what to do anymore.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 137

I'll learn to not be a fool again :) I think through all of this. I've grown to really detest people. It's like I'm trying to hate them. Somehow, this is going to make me feel all better. It's better to lock away the heart then put it out in the open the suffer through the rain, the snow, the hail, and the heartbreak. NO MORE FOR THIS CHE! Blah blah blah! I'll never be the same again. BOOO!!! I've grown to realize that this world is full of nasty people! BOOGARS! They are like boogars! Nasty and evil because boogars clog up people's nose; they clog up people heart! It's a hard knock life. There are days when I don't even want to pretend that this whole thing never happened, that it was all a big dream. I want to slap myself across the face and yelling as loud as I can.. "STUPID FOOL! IT'S OVER! FACE IT! WHY DO YOU CHOSE TO HURT YOURSELF OVER SOMEONE WHO PROBABLY COULD MOVE ON IN AN INSTANT! WHY WHY! WAE WAE WAE?!?" I thought i should add some Korean words in there to make it more dramatic... since afterall i'm "such a drama queen." HA! I'm sorry that my values and the things that effect me are not the same for you. You big JERK. I wonder why I still care for his well beings. ha ha ha! UGH! Is there anymore things that I should know? Anyone more secrets that would kill my little soul even more?! I'm sure there's a lot. However, I should restrain myself from finding out because I don't need to know anymore things. I'm already torn as it is. It's funny. I think I'm okay now but I still get carried away when I start talking about this kind of stuff. Maybe, it's because I never got the chance to yell out my anger or to slap that jerk across the face. Like that song "Like getting hit by a bullet" by Baek Ji Young. I'll wake up, brush my teeth, and get dress in the morning when the clock hits 7 AM. I'll go on living my life.. because that's what a break up means. It means you have to keep going. No matter how deep the cut is, the more you try to live wondering and indulging yourself toward something that's more than likely NOT going to happen, the more pain you'll be in. Let's not blame this on one person or the next that would be even more hurtful.. I'm not going to fall for words so easily anymore. This time.. sweet words isn't going to cut it.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 137

Yes, I've been neglecting this blog is because I'm lazy. I had a whole month plus of winter break, which will end soon. I'm going to be soo sad. haha. Well, I'm going to start working hard this semester to raise my GPA. Its not a bad, but I definitely think I can reach a 4.0 if I work hard enough!! The first semester of college wasn't as bad as everyone said it would, although I didn't even try. I'm starting to feel afraid of the future...like you know, having to grow up and everything. I've already decided that I want to go to med school but my parents wants me to go into pharmacy or nursing because it won't take a long ass time like doctors do. Seriously, man. wtf. they said that they don't want me to work because they are afraid that i'll neglect my schooling, and now they want me to rush it so i can work and make money?! argh. O.o so, whatever. i'm still sticking to my plans of going to med school and study anesthesiology.

oh yeah, and i gotta finish everything before i turn 30. ^_^ soo, just...10 more years to go. O.O when i have enough money i'm gonna go live in europe. hehe. that's one of my dreams, or plans.

i love this flower! its called plumeria
there are other colors too, but i only like the white ones.



ehh, boring post, i know. -_- but i have nothing to say! haha. maybe next time.