The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 148

I just feel so helpless right now. I'm just not happy. I'm always having to be the stronger one. The one to take the punches when everybody wants to duck. I'm a strong person. I know that. But I can only take so much. I keep everything to myself because I don't want any problems. I don't want to cause anybody to hurt because of me. Today, somebody told me that I could be really naive sometimes. I'm sorry that I can't be mature all the time. I'm just not that type and you should've known that by now. But when you told me that, did I say anything? Of course not. Because I know that you're going through a rough time. And you think I'm not? Do you think that everything is perfect for me? Although I'm feeling like this, I'll still take your punches, because I know that I love you.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 146

I just got back from my Sociology class. I have to admit, I love that class because the teacher is funny. He teaches us but he also tells us funny stories and experiences that he had. It's awesome. :] So this semester, I have to do presentations at the end of the semester for all of my classes except math! I'm soo nervous, dude. I'm not so used to that, and plus I'm uber shy and quiet. GRR...Gotta get out of this shell! Sometimes I hate myself because I'm so introvertive, shy, quiet, blushes easily, etc. -___- -Sigh-

Anyways I'm not here to talk about that. I feel so foolish today. Just a simple gesture but he
made me smile like a mad woman. In fact, I'm smiling as I type this. haha. I don't want to go into details about this since someone can read it. O.O Oh gosh, I've been through that before in high school and it was soo embarassing I just wanted to die thinking about it. Did I tell you he has gorgeous eyes?! They're like blue and greenish. AHH!! haha :D

Oh yes I wore the yellow heart earings that Che Trai Cay gave me for Christmas today. I love it! You know how I always have this low self esteem thing? Well, I actually feel pretty today even though I didn't dress up or anything. hehe. ^_^ yay

Blah.

This week was midterm week. And I woke up late every single day of the week. What the hell. So, this morning, I got up really late and I feel really bad for my friend because she waited outside for 15 minutes in the freezing cold! I could not hear my phone ring, at all. And it's just stressful. I'm missing club today. I feel like I haven't been there as much as I should have. We're supposed to go over fire-safety so we can teach little kids today. I'm president and I'm not even there. I hate that. I don't think I deserve the title of being the president of clubs. To add on to this crap, I am gaining weight by the second. I eat and eat. But I don't have time to work it off. I just run in gym everyday but that's not enough. I've been waking up too late to work out. And I have to study at night, so, I can't work out. I hope I can begin working out more seriously next week. But I doubt that. I just hate this year so much. Senior year is supposedly supposed to be the best year. But it is not at all because:
a]We have new administrators at the school and they're making life hell.
b]I'm not as motivated as I used to be.
c]No time to work out.
d]No money.
My new years resolution for this year was to stay fit. Hopefully I can keep it alive. I am determined to make myself healthier. Starting next week. It will be a whole new start for me. I'm excited. How about you guys? What are your New Years Resolutions?

xoxo, with all my love,
Lan

The LAN feeling hopeless. surprised?

You guys, I feel so hopeless sometimes. I feel like I'm the type of person that will say the wrong things 99.9% of the time. I'm so tired of everything. School is biting me in the ass. And my boyfriend isn't making it any better. Sometimes, I feel as if he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Sometimes, I take things too lightly or say the wrong things. I can't help it. That's how I am. But he always expects me to be perfect. I cannot do that. Don't get me wrong. I love this kid so much. I love him so so much. But he'll never understand. I don't think a person can understand how much you love them because you're not them. It's frustrating. And I PMS. I'm a fucking girl. I have my weeks. For example, you guys know that I'm a private person. I don't talk about it a lot because that's not how I am. He just assumes that I never understand anything. But when HE'S the one that NEVER understands me. Even if he tried. But you guys, I don't know why. I love him so much. He doesn't treat me badly. I do say the wrong things a lot. And i'm too irrational. I don't know. With this. And school. I don't know what to do anymore.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 137

I'll learn to not be a fool again :) I think through all of this. I've grown to really detest people. It's like I'm trying to hate them. Somehow, this is going to make me feel all better. It's better to lock away the heart then put it out in the open the suffer through the rain, the snow, the hail, and the heartbreak. NO MORE FOR THIS CHE! Blah blah blah! I'll never be the same again. BOOO!!! I've grown to realize that this world is full of nasty people! BOOGARS! They are like boogars! Nasty and evil because boogars clog up people's nose; they clog up people heart! It's a hard knock life. There are days when I don't even want to pretend that this whole thing never happened, that it was all a big dream. I want to slap myself across the face and yelling as loud as I can.. "STUPID FOOL! IT'S OVER! FACE IT! WHY DO YOU CHOSE TO HURT YOURSELF OVER SOMEONE WHO PROBABLY COULD MOVE ON IN AN INSTANT! WHY WHY! WAE WAE WAE?!?" I thought i should add some Korean words in there to make it more dramatic... since afterall i'm "such a drama queen." HA! I'm sorry that my values and the things that effect me are not the same for you. You big JERK. I wonder why I still care for his well beings. ha ha ha! UGH! Is there anymore things that I should know? Anyone more secrets that would kill my little soul even more?! I'm sure there's a lot. However, I should restrain myself from finding out because I don't need to know anymore things. I'm already torn as it is. It's funny. I think I'm okay now but I still get carried away when I start talking about this kind of stuff. Maybe, it's because I never got the chance to yell out my anger or to slap that jerk across the face. Like that song "Like getting hit by a bullet" by Baek Ji Young. I'll wake up, brush my teeth, and get dress in the morning when the clock hits 7 AM. I'll go on living my life.. because that's what a break up means. It means you have to keep going. No matter how deep the cut is, the more you try to live wondering and indulging yourself toward something that's more than likely NOT going to happen, the more pain you'll be in. Let's not blame this on one person or the next that would be even more hurtful.. I'm not going to fall for words so easily anymore. This time.. sweet words isn't going to cut it.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 137

Yes, I've been neglecting this blog is because I'm lazy. I had a whole month plus of winter break, which will end soon. I'm going to be soo sad. haha. Well, I'm going to start working hard this semester to raise my GPA. Its not a bad, but I definitely think I can reach a 4.0 if I work hard enough!! The first semester of college wasn't as bad as everyone said it would, although I didn't even try. I'm starting to feel afraid of the future...like you know, having to grow up and everything. I've already decided that I want to go to med school but my parents wants me to go into pharmacy or nursing because it won't take a long ass time like doctors do. Seriously, man. wtf. they said that they don't want me to work because they are afraid that i'll neglect my schooling, and now they want me to rush it so i can work and make money?! argh. O.o so, whatever. i'm still sticking to my plans of going to med school and study anesthesiology.

oh yeah, and i gotta finish everything before i turn 30. ^_^ soo, just...10 more years to go. O.O when i have enough money i'm gonna go live in europe. hehe. that's one of my dreams, or plans.

i love this flower! its called plumeria
there are other colors too, but i only like the white ones.



ehh, boring post, i know. -_- but i have nothing to say! haha. maybe next time.