The Days Without Guys - Day 218

I feel so sad along with the Che's who are suffering right now. There is not much to say accept that we are here. Talk to us and let us listen. CALL ME!!!

SO... I guess let me bitch too about life. I have two close friends that I hang with often and they like a guy that I like too. But they are more obvious about it, not afraid to touch him, lean on him, hug him, and even plan a surprise kiss on him. He doesn't like them because he likes me. We are like secretly trying to get together. But it is like impossible. I don't want to hurt my two friends. We have to secretly go see a movie and then come out like we didn't come in and then come back in to meet the other people. Why do we have to hide like this? It's painful to see the person you like surrounded by other girls. It sucks that we cannot even show the slightest interest in him. Like those movies, the parents also like to get in the way. Right now I'm trying to please my dad, who is like rooting for me to be successfull. He is realistic, he wants me to get a job and have a good life. He told me to not think about boys, get a boyfriend, blah blah. And my siblings are the nosy Asians, they like to ask questions, stare down any friend who comes to my house. Sighs. There are just so many factor, than just say lets be together and run away. I wish that was the case.

As for school, I'm in my 4th year and I don't have a clue what I want to do. My dad is paying for my education and I hate to see him wait and wait for me to get done and do something. I told him I don't know. And I don't know when it will take me to know. I don't want him to wait for me. I can borrow money to pay for my education. He is such a good father, that often time I feel so guilty if I don't try hard enough.

Talking about body image and selfesteem. What you see is not always what it is. I have my own problems. I am not the most fit person. I get tired just walking up to the third floor. And I don't exercise. I'm always wanting to eat. I feel that I can be better. I feel that guys dont ever talk to me unless I talk to them. it is either that they are not interested or they are afraid of me or something. Am I not friendly? lol. gosh. depressing it is. sometimes i just want to run away and travel and be a bum. if only i have the courage to stand up and say loudly that i quit! that i am over it all. this is why i wont have kids. i dont want to bring anymore human beings into this world. i want to tell my parents, why did they have me.. i mean- i dont want to be here. im tired of being the quiet, laidback, good girl, i dont know person. i want to be sure and step up and just beat the hell of things.

The Days Without Guys - Day 217

i think i finally got the hang of this numbering system partly cause i just count the days after che xinh xa's last post. haha =D

However, its back to posting about life for all of us. The portal to our life is starting to unfold as the countdown to graduation gets near. Sometimes, I just want to close that portal up and live in denial that we will be on our own soon. No more parents to call at work to buy milk because there's no more in the fridge. Everything will be on our shoulders. If you have weak shoulders, your going to collapse. If you have strong shoulders, how long will it take for you to collapse?

Life really hasn't taken me anywhere and as I sit and wonder why? The thought bounces back to as to, what I have even done for the river to flow my way? Absolutely nothing. I'm like that person who really tries hard to smile, be all bouncy, and cheery for those around me because if im sad its like the end of the world to some that knows me in person. My friend, once told me, well not once more since it like yesterday haha, that the last thing he wanted to see was me sad since i'm "happy little [che trai cay]." Is that what i really want people to see me as? I really don't openly tell people that i am sad nor want them to get involved with it. Since, honestly I get over things very quickly even if it kills me at that moment but what else can i do but move on? I'm not going to sit at home for like the rest of my life pondering on what went wrong. I try my best NOT to think of the worse things in life, keep my hopes up. But why doesn't it stay that way? I wake up. I trust. I given it my all. But in the end I'll be the one sitting alone in the dark trying to hold the tears back since all i wanted was to do well at life and in school I want to be accepted for being myself; naturally not so smart person but i try really hard in school, have no musical or athlete drive in me, and contain absolutely nothing "special." If people don't like it then too bad. I'll take my army against theirs. Yeah, thats right. GO DIE. haha. They say being yourself is much better than trying to be what others want you to be, but what about all of those who changes to something their not, into a totally jerkish because they didn't want to be alone. They rather give up themselves to have fake friends who would ditch them for free pizza. Well, not to that extreme but pretty close. haha.

The Ugly Best Friend

I hate how I'm the ugly best friend. Guys always want my best friend but she doesn't realize it and she always compliments me and whatnot. I wished that she wasn't though. It pisses me off that guys only talk to me when she's not around. I'm like the GO TO girl. AKA, the REBOUND. I'm so fucking tired of it.

EVERYTHING IS ON MY SHOULDERS

I have so much to do nowadays. I feel sad. Sometimes, I feel lonely. For example, today while walking down the hallway, I felt a sense of loneliness. I felt as if I needed somebody there to just hold me. And it kills me that I'm always wanting something that I can't have and I shouldn't even long for. I have a research paper due on Thursday. It's a lot to do. I have an internship to worry about. And I have to keep up my daily routine of working out. I hardly sleep anymore. And I think that is why I'm sick. I am falling behind SO much in all of my classes. I need to get away from everything for a moment. But it's hard to escape anything when everything is right in front of your face. Right now, I wished that I had somebody here to talk to me. A companion if you will. Just a person that will just listen. The person that I might be longing for doesn't even know that there might be a chance of me wanting him. As of now, I try not to think much about it. He's the most sweetest and most innocent thing I have ever met. The things that are keeping me away from him is that he's one of my friend's (aquaintence's ex). I don't care if I'm not close to her. It's still wrong. Another reason is that he is a year younger than me. A lot of girls probably chase him around all the time. And it pisses me off that I cannot long for him when all I want is to have him. Although this just might be an infatuated feeling. I'm not sure what to think anymore. I'm too busy for this crap talk. But then again, I feel as if I need to talk to him. He's thinking about somebody and it's not me. I have realized how annoying and unlikeable I am at times. I talk a lot and I'm too sarcastic. I think people get annoyed by that. And I'm too insecure. When I'm insecure, people take it as if I'm digging for compliments. Just to clarify things..I AM NOT DIGGING FOR COMPLIMENTS. I really feel insecure about myself. It pisses me off when people think that I'm starving myself because I lost weight. It pisses me off that they think I took the easy way out to become fit. I did not. And I refuse to. I love food too much. I work out every morning. So, yeah. This girl in my school angered me so badly the other day when she told me that I look like I need to eat. People act like I'm a fucking stick. I AM NOT! I have meat on me. Ugh...Whatever. And as for the guy, whatever happens happens. All I'm hoping for is that nothing happens at all. I don't want to talk to him anymore because I'm scared that if I keep talking to him, then I'll start liking him. I can't like him. I just can't. But he's so different. I really just want to hug him right now. I have to get back to my paper. I'll write whenever I can remember to write. I can't really breathe through my nose. My throat hurts and I still have to go to school tomorrow. That just pisses me off. I need a break. I need a hug you guys..
xoxo, with all my love
Lan Nguyen

The Days Without Guys - Day 215

Do you know how I keep building this dream world, where nothing can ever go wrong. Living in a fantasy world that never leaves me in tears or pain that can't be whipped away. I hate myself for living this way, but old habits are hard to cure. I'm always putting myself in a spot of vulnerability, and that scares me that I can easily be concoered into trusting. Only every now and then do I not feel the stab, but that's because my coat of arms for such pain is hard to penetrate through.

When a person has been hurt repeatedly, how do you stop from being a fool? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I hate myself for thinking that I can change the situation. That if I ignore it, it'll go away. But no. All that's left is just an ache in my heart and tears on my cheeks.

Do you not have any idea what you're putting me through? How do you just go on about and do as you please without a regard to my feelings? We weren't suppose to end up this way. But I tolerated too much from you, and now it's left me in ruins. Couldn't you at least spare me the decency to acknowledge my stupidity? No, you leave me wounded and alone. Till the tears dry up and I'm once again easy to trick into your absolute deed of breaking my soul.

I hate how you think you can just walk away.
I hate how you can't pretend to at least care.
I hate how you chose a path that isn't safe.
I hate how you neglected to see that there are others out there for you.
I hate how you belittle yourself to make me feel guilty.
I hate the guilt you make me feel, when it isn't my fault.
I hate how you can't see that you're the one that's causing pain.
I hate how you can't imagine your life without him.
I hate how you have to depend on so much to survive.
I hate having to care about you.
I hate having to go through this every day.
I hate how I can't live without you.
I hate you for being what you think you are.
I hate you for not living your life.
I hate you for making excuses to ease your guilt.
I hate you for causing anyone thought and heart.
I hate you for not being there when I needed you.
I hate how I need you.
I hate how you chose him over me.
I hate you for making me cry.
And I hate myself for crying at all.

Words can't express the haze that's blinding me. The pressure I put on myself to control the blooming anger. It's suffocating me. It's making my head ache and my eyes red. I wish you'd go away so I can put it all behind me, like every other mistake of my life.

The Days Without Guys - Day 204

I paused my marathon reading to post this blog.

To speculate about a race out there, that seem to think they're above all. Back when I didn't know better, I thought there were only 3 kinds of people out there, the white, the colored, and my kind. I never once fathomed the prejudice that circulates the air so thickly constant. But, now, I can see just how niave I was. To believe that we can truly all live in the same society. How cynical that sounds. But how can any of us ever amount to much when dated back thousands of years ago, the white men deemed us the inferiors? And, being the fool we all are, instead of fighting off the prejudice of one man about all, we followed his lead and fought against each other for the man that will betray us without a sweat. Unbelievably, we've been duped for so long, no one has much left in them to fight. And those that have just been exposed to this tragic, fight so diligently, that no one would notice how, in the end, it is the white man that controls the final verdict and decreed our useless arms flaying is just a little kid's tantrum for not being the center of the attention.

Why do we allow the white man to label us and rule us? Yes, I understand that though there are activists out there that are fighting for what's its worth, but instead of fighting their own battles, why do we not band together and fight the evil with a greater force than mere sticks and pebbles? We were all told that the others were the ones that didn't earned our respect, but how can we believe this, coming from a man that doesn't see further than the whites of our eyes? We're like little plastic soldiers, strategically placed on spots that the man valued we deserved to roam, and every time we desire to cross the barrier that set us apart from him, he denies us with the words of "That is the place your kind deserves", because we'll never be anything in his eyes other than his tools of power.

And to no vial, our violent struggle to free our legs from the platform goes unheard but just viewed as childish tantrums that can be summarized as lack of morality because we've been stripped of all our dignity by force. And I applaud the white man for his genius work. For instead of minding our tactics of speaking, he appeals to the emotions that we feel. He tells us that we're better than others. That we can rise, we just need to keep the others at bay, and he will help us. He will provide the tool to raise us. But in order for us to be granted his benevolence help, we have to commit our dedication to appeasing his needs and desires. To offer someone help with no credit to back him up, no one's the wiser than the man for we were too grateful to doubt any of his words, and so we throw ourselves to keep the man happy for showing us the opportunity that we worked hard for but wasn't born to reach out and grab what was tied too high above our heads.

My rants may seem as plain words that make no sense, but just think, how ironic it is that my words will go unheard today. Because we're constantly being repressed into a box that we were stuffed into without our consent. But, more the fool is us when we throw our freedom out the door when we bargained our souls to the devil by ignoring the signs of a world filled with hatred of anything that is fair and light. So why can't everyone open their eyes and see the huge mistake by digging their own graves when their lack of "morality" is just giving the white man another push to obstruct our peace? Maybe we love being blind, so that'll lessen our responsibilities so we can spend our time bawling like babies over the lack of toys we're not able to gain by being an under-achiever. The possibilities are plenty, but then again, being true to our nature, who will even care to look deep into any corner for the cure to the inequality of life?

Ah. This post today is so weird. I feel like I have much more to say, but my metaphorical mind is dead for the night. So back to my marathon, that is, until the crawfish is done brewing. LOL.


Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Day 200

Ah. hahha, by accident, I've come across today, as being the 200 days! wow. soon, it would be a total year, in 165 days.

Besides that, Easter is today too right? Or so everyone keeps saying. A 3-day weekend, and I haven't finished 1 zinc of hw. Why is that? Because, I've hit rock bottom, and also getting a big head. I'm slacking because school is almost ending, and so much "fun" stuff is happening soon, I don't have time to ponder over hw, but want to do other things, like sit around all day.

The major thing that is preoccupying my thoughts is scholarships. I was just notified that I won one, for $10,000. Hooray! lol, now I just gotta keep above a 2.5 to keep that money for the next few years. I hope I keep winning more scholarships, it'll show that hard work does pay off.

-sign- I hate having to do my work at the last minute, but it seems I'll have to stay up late tonight and finish my essay. Ew.

Funny how though my days without guys aren't so terrible, what with other prospect, money, to preoccupy my thoughts. Well, occasionally that is. Because I'm still upset over the fact that I'm thinking WAY too much about the fact that I'm still single. Ey.

My parents are coming home soon, in so many days. Kind of looking forward to it, except for the yelling part. Those days are dreadful, but they gotta come anyway, it'll help build my character. lol.

And yes, school is tomorrow and everything is going to go down the drain.

It's annoying how everyone, in their own ways, is getting what they deserve. Or, what I'm trying to say is, they have at least some kind of pleasure out there. And, I want what they have. Having to be so exhaust in trying to find my own happiness, I find that very spiteful.

But be as it may, everyone keeps telling me it'll get better once I'm in college. Well, if it doesn't by then, there will definitely hell to pay!

Don't ever believe that your senior year in highschool will ever be easy and a thrill ride. There is a ride, but it's one damn bumpy ride filled with rocks and dark tunnels. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!


Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Day 189

Wow, its been nearly 200 days since the Ches have been without guys in their lifes. That is, its been that way for me, not sure about the other very attractive Ches though. Heck, they could all be married and with 8 kids for all I know! But besides the point.

My sisters are all happy. Living in bliss. I'm the only one lonely and pathetically dead inside. My days are filled with plain plainness. O_o Yeah. That means no prospect or even the slightest sniff of a man anywhere within 100 yards of me. Ah the bitterness. But what can I do? Nothing, because everyone seems to think that when the destiny comes, it'll come, and I can't rush it.

The other day I went to my second time of my first time at a rodeo. I had a real blast, the cow boys were hot and the air stunky. haaha, also saw Natasha Bedingfield. But I only stayed for half of her show, since it was already late and I was tired, so me and my friends went home.

PAUSE! OMG, my writing is so nasty! OMG, what the fudge!!!! O_O it doesn't even make sense anymore, well, it never did, but I seriously can't say anything!

(SIGH)

So, I re-dyed my hair. It's now apricot tea. Kind of like my old auburn hair, buta little more orange red. Not sure how i feel about it. But everyone says they like my old black hair more. I'm like O_O yea.

I keep saying I'm going to start wearing eye linear, but the thought of having to risk poking my eye out and then having to wipe it...ARGH. so no. hahaha, I will eventually. Also, my circle contacts finally came. My prom dress still hasn't though. Both transaction has not gone the way I wanted it to, but all this bitchin'? eh.

What more, it's my spring break, but I have no plans or anything. That sucks. So I'll just sit here and wait till my prince comes and sweeps me off my feet. Anyone know if there's anything playing good these days in the theater?

Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Day 176

i think i should give up on humans in general. why do we always try and blame other people to get ourselves out of troubles? its just in our nature to take the easy way out of things but sometimes it hurts.

i don't know anymore. haha. i tried really hard to trust people and then it comes crashing down at my face. *sigh*

guys blah!

The Days Without Guys - Day 162.....

So Valentine's Day once again. Haha Che Xinh Xa said she hopes all those enjoy the day with love ones would choke on chocolate. It is kinda cruel but considering that we sit here and rot ourselves to death. Sad. Why! lol. I tell you why, life is always unfair. I say you guys should be happy with what you have seriously....OR I will come and take it away from you muahahhahaha. ok. enough about this.

So today I went to my class and uh it was blah. All lecture about nothing. I didn't learn crap. Well maybe I'm exagerrating but I think I learned a bit, just a bit only. I was dressing in mostly red... my favorite color, hoping it will bring me some luck. No I'm not supertitious, I'm just desperate. :( HAHA. So the guy next to me, I flirted with him a bit. I was like so you're gonna be a hard grader? (We are all going to be teachers and we were making a fake grade book thingy for our assigments. He seemed to know what was going on. He came in late but was able to catch up quickly. We were working with spreadsheets, yeah like excell. It is so my worse enemy, I hate it. Anyway so I think I should get to know him so he can help me in the future. BUT usually he sits so far on the other side of the room. It was just today that he came in late and so he sat next to me. GOSH. He isn't hot hot but he is ok. We do have a group project in the future and I hope we get pair up. I think he is kind of the shy type. I think. He was like answering me like .." Well.. I... " Yeah that's it. And I quickly turned out and do my usual "hhehe" remark. fake laugh as you might call it.

So I have an exam tomorrow that I need to REALLY study for, and I am tomorrow. Yeah I have two breaks before the class. So I can manage some study times. Also tomorrow I get to see the smiling guy. You know. But lately he havent looked at me. I noticed that seldomly he does and then looked away. I swear that day I wonder if there was something horrible on my face lol. Just kidding. But I did manage to talk to him. He got jokes... and so do I. I think it is going well. You know I know connect for the purpose of class, grades, and so on. It seems like so much using. But seriously this world is about exploitation, which was how America was founded. (Here I go again with my history). Well.