Blah.

This week was midterm week. And I woke up late every single day of the week. What the hell. So, this morning, I got up really late and I feel really bad for my friend because she waited outside for 15 minutes in the freezing cold! I could not hear my phone ring, at all. And it's just stressful. I'm missing club today. I feel like I haven't been there as much as I should have. We're supposed to go over fire-safety so we can teach little kids today. I'm president and I'm not even there. I hate that. I don't think I deserve the title of being the president of clubs. To add on to this crap, I am gaining weight by the second. I eat and eat. But I don't have time to work it off. I just run in gym everyday but that's not enough. I've been waking up too late to work out. And I have to study at night, so, I can't work out. I hope I can begin working out more seriously next week. But I doubt that. I just hate this year so much. Senior year is supposedly supposed to be the best year. But it is not at all because:
a]We have new administrators at the school and they're making life hell.
b]I'm not as motivated as I used to be.
c]No time to work out.
d]No money.
My new years resolution for this year was to stay fit. Hopefully I can keep it alive. I am determined to make myself healthier. Starting next week. It will be a whole new start for me. I'm excited. How about you guys? What are your New Years Resolutions?

xoxo, with all my love,
Lan

The LAN feeling hopeless. surprised?

You guys, I feel so hopeless sometimes. I feel like I'm the type of person that will say the wrong things 99.9% of the time. I'm so tired of everything. School is biting me in the ass. And my boyfriend isn't making it any better. Sometimes, I feel as if he doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Sometimes, I take things too lightly or say the wrong things. I can't help it. That's how I am. But he always expects me to be perfect. I cannot do that. Don't get me wrong. I love this kid so much. I love him so so much. But he'll never understand. I don't think a person can understand how much you love them because you're not them. It's frustrating. And I PMS. I'm a fucking girl. I have my weeks. For example, you guys know that I'm a private person. I don't talk about it a lot because that's not how I am. He just assumes that I never understand anything. But when HE'S the one that NEVER understands me. Even if he tried. But you guys, I don't know why. I love him so much. He doesn't treat me badly. I do say the wrong things a lot. And i'm too irrational. I don't know. With this. And school. I don't know what to do anymore.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 137

I'll learn to not be a fool again :) I think through all of this. I've grown to really detest people. It's like I'm trying to hate them. Somehow, this is going to make me feel all better. It's better to lock away the heart then put it out in the open the suffer through the rain, the snow, the hail, and the heartbreak. NO MORE FOR THIS CHE! Blah blah blah! I'll never be the same again. BOOO!!! I've grown to realize that this world is full of nasty people! BOOGARS! They are like boogars! Nasty and evil because boogars clog up people's nose; they clog up people heart! It's a hard knock life. There are days when I don't even want to pretend that this whole thing never happened, that it was all a big dream. I want to slap myself across the face and yelling as loud as I can.. "STUPID FOOL! IT'S OVER! FACE IT! WHY DO YOU CHOSE TO HURT YOURSELF OVER SOMEONE WHO PROBABLY COULD MOVE ON IN AN INSTANT! WHY WHY! WAE WAE WAE?!?" I thought i should add some Korean words in there to make it more dramatic... since afterall i'm "such a drama queen." HA! I'm sorry that my values and the things that effect me are not the same for you. You big JERK. I wonder why I still care for his well beings. ha ha ha! UGH! Is there anymore things that I should know? Anyone more secrets that would kill my little soul even more?! I'm sure there's a lot. However, I should restrain myself from finding out because I don't need to know anymore things. I'm already torn as it is. It's funny. I think I'm okay now but I still get carried away when I start talking about this kind of stuff. Maybe, it's because I never got the chance to yell out my anger or to slap that jerk across the face. Like that song "Like getting hit by a bullet" by Baek Ji Young. I'll wake up, brush my teeth, and get dress in the morning when the clock hits 7 AM. I'll go on living my life.. because that's what a break up means. It means you have to keep going. No matter how deep the cut is, the more you try to live wondering and indulging yourself toward something that's more than likely NOT going to happen, the more pain you'll be in. Let's not blame this on one person or the next that would be even more hurtful.. I'm not going to fall for words so easily anymore. This time.. sweet words isn't going to cut it.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 137

Yes, I've been neglecting this blog is because I'm lazy. I had a whole month plus of winter break, which will end soon. I'm going to be soo sad. haha. Well, I'm going to start working hard this semester to raise my GPA. Its not a bad, but I definitely think I can reach a 4.0 if I work hard enough!! The first semester of college wasn't as bad as everyone said it would, although I didn't even try. I'm starting to feel afraid of the future...like you know, having to grow up and everything. I've already decided that I want to go to med school but my parents wants me to go into pharmacy or nursing because it won't take a long ass time like doctors do. Seriously, man. wtf. they said that they don't want me to work because they are afraid that i'll neglect my schooling, and now they want me to rush it so i can work and make money?! argh. O.o so, whatever. i'm still sticking to my plans of going to med school and study anesthesiology.

oh yeah, and i gotta finish everything before i turn 30. ^_^ soo, just...10 more years to go. O.O when i have enough money i'm gonna go live in europe. hehe. that's one of my dreams, or plans.

i love this flower! its called plumeria
there are other colors too, but i only like the white ones.



ehh, boring post, i know. -_- but i have nothing to say! haha. maybe next time.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 124

Ah Ches', tell me the reason you're not blogging is because you've been lazy, and not cause you don't have these kind of days any longer. -sigh- but I am happy you were able to leave these days behind. LOL

I wonder, those that do read this blog, obviously besides ourselves, have you figured out whose who yet? Well, yeah you won't know EVERYONE, but can you identify with your friend Che? Now I did say something about renovating this place and revealing each of us, but boy have I lied to you. LOL I've either been too busy or too lazy to do anything. And since it's the winter break already, and I still have a long time to go before school starts, I just might do something about that. Will anyone be surprised when the mystery is unraveled?

The first semester of being a fish in the big college world wasn't as stressed as I thought it to be, but it wasn't a breeze either. You'd think, without guys in my life, I'd be aceing my classes, but boy are you in for a surprise. Heck, I didn't fail, but I didn't do so good either. =/ But that's over with and I have a full spring semester to redeem that, which I have to, or else.

Since the break has started, I find my time preoccupied constantly. The hours that I get to sleep seem like a quick nap then I'm back up and about. Going here and there, doing this and that, oh well, it all serves its purpose.

Into the blog, what am I being challenged with these days? Being original. Or am I? ah, do you Che know what's funny? We never exactly comment on each other's blog, when we should've, just as a blog to be, we converse. Oh well, since we never started that trend, no need to cry over spilled milk.

When you're starting something new, is it easy to forget about the past? Or should you ignore it and hope it never comes back to bite you in the ass? I don't know what to think. I mean, it's not my past, but what if it's my future? Sure I have my own "dark" past, but I doubt it's a big matter.

Okay, so none of those paragraphs made much sense, but let me tell you another revelation I just had. For me, I find that I never blog about "real" prospects, only little icky things. LOL I hope you understand my meaning there, otherwise =]. I mean, I could go into gross details, but I think I will save that for when this blog becomes "The Days WITH Guys". Do we all really want that day to come? ah shucks, we'll just have to wait and see, who knows, that could be years down the line, not a tomorrow thing.

I am really pacing myself here. I took Lan's advice to "go with the flow and take it slow(did you say the slow part...argg)" and I think it's a good idea, but Lan, if this fails, you are sooooo getting it. LOL I have to weave my web to catch the bait, and in this case, it's Cuc. lol inside joke, but but, it might be a public joke soon ;]

Oh well, I really have nothing more to say, except I need more sleep than 4 hours, so back to bed for me. My brain is scrambled, not a good thing is it?

Before I end it, I hope you feel better Che Trai Cay =) we all love you and only want the best for you. You're an amazing individual and I believe I'm speaking for all of us when I say I am grateful to have met you and be able to become a friend that you can open to and know that we will always be here for you, no matter what. Anyone that can't see the beautiful you does not deserve to be your friend or otherwise. Don't change for anyone, you adorable cookie you. <3


Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 79

So I was sitting here trying to find the "new post" button (and guess what? It's like right there on the screen! I haven't been on Blogger in a while, so I'm not very familiar with the settings) to blog something after reading Juli's (sorry I forgot your Che` name lol) posts. Wow. I think she is the most poetic one out of all of us. And I'm on AIM with two other ches (I don't know their che name either. -_-), but I'm not paying attention to the convo because they're talking about their own stuff. Korean drama madness!

School still sucks. Everyday I find myself counting down to the time where I get to go home and eat and have some leisure time. My dad's in Vietnam right now, so I've been slacking off a bit...a lot. He's coming back on Tuesday! I have a presentation for Religion on Thursday...and I'm not looking forward to that at all. None. Zip. Nada. I suck at presentations.

So the TVB channel is on and a Chinese song is playing, and I looked over and there is this hot looking girl singing. I'm not a lesbian or anything, but she is very pretty...What? It's...It's Linda Chu...I think. Let me google her name. She was in Virtues of Harmony. OHH. Linda Chung.
Yeah. The make up she has on made her look different, in a good way. She looks hot, dude. O_O

Okay, I gave up on the convo with D & S. I'm like completely lost. I've been addicted to Starbucks, dude! That's not good. I thirst for it everyday. I even drink it at 10PM while I'm on the computer chatting with my bff. Crazy? Yes. I couldn't sleep that night until like...friggin 1AM. I wasn't late for class, though. So that's...good, I guess.

So, blah blah blah. Life sucks, school sucks, I still need to register!! Holy cow...I still owe money so I don'tk now if they will let me register or not...UGHH. Can someone lend me $800. hahha.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 62

Things not only crumble when they fall, they leave a bad image in all of our heads. Little do we know, the image is falling within itself, leaving behind a dark void.

I'm not ready. Ready to give myself up to reality. The world that I've built up for myself is tearing itself apart to save myself. Exactly how do I find what I'm not suppose to look for?

Aimlessly looking and searching for something that will never be mine.

To want is to give up yourself.
To need is to open my heart to all.
To have is to tear my mind to keep.
To give is to take away my everything.
To try is preparing myself for tears.
To risk is to accept the world.
To feel is heartaches.
To cry is to be.
To live is nights of tears.
And to love is the death of myself.

I can't find what I'm not looking for.

But I can't not help but look. For the moment in life I can give it all up. I smile for myself, but I cry for the lost of what could be. I'm trying, struggling, drowning in an oblivion of dark mist.

I can't breath.
I can't accept and be myself.
I can't blink without seeing.
I can't see without the hurt.

For what could have been, not what should have been.

I can't lose myself. I have to fight. I have to know I'm there. I am here.

Accept me or move on. I will not fight a lost fight. I am the fight and you will be the fighter.

Let the games begin.


Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 55

KABOOM! look folks, or my lovely Che's, or anyone that even bother to read...-awkward silence-, the point being, I'm blogging! -__-" you'd think since my days have been "guyless", I'd blog every darn day, but see, my anti-depressant is, obviously not blogging, I guess most of you can guess, MOVIE MADNESS!

Okay, I was about to go into details about something that happened months ago, but no, that's in the past, LET IT GO!

I guess being a college student now means I have more room to be "lazy" lol, and i'm sad to say, I take more than full advantage of it, hell, i literally RAPE lazy. Days involve me planning how to get through school and home to do nothing.

PAUSE.

LONGER PAUSE.

The song "It's hard to say goodbye" is stuck in my head. ehh, I have nothing else to say about the song, just that it's so friggin' GOOD!!

How have I been these days? Total slacker. I keep telling myself I will sit down and write my research paper, but have I done so? Nope. That crap aside, I also I want to point out what a leecher I am. For the past month, I've been going to my friend's house and eating there. Or when there are materials at home to cook, I don't even bother, but would just call up my friend and say "I'm coming over k". -___- Horrible.

Lemons will not get you lemonade. It'll get you an eye stinger. When I thought life would be lighter to carry on my shoulders, the pressure builds until I'm down on my knees. Pathetic and sad as it is, this happens to be all my fault. But I hate that I have thoughts of blame. Of putting the blame on others shoulders, yes, the environment that I'm in needs me to be my own motivator, but I can't get in those shoes when all around me are easy and blurry paths. I can just stumble through any and it'll take me to a place, not of my own, but a place of its own. How do I push myself? The future that I see for myself holds nothing but bright lights, expect for the dark patches I see around sharp angles. But that's too far to think into, move on!
The days go by so quickly. I feel like I'm loosing touch with everything around me. My grip on life is slipping away before my eyes.
Funny how when I see what I want, I go after it. But it's never my way that the river flows. I'm constantly struggling through the current to the other end. It's been so long, can anyone imagine me living my days "WITH" a guy? lol. Somehow, I feel like I'm jinxing myself by speaking this aloud. ALWAYSS! One minute I feel as if all is going well, but then the next, oh hell no! =P must I say again, life sucks. Will you hear from me again soon? We can only wistfully hope so.

Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 2

Oh, wow. It's been a year already?

So, here I am complaining about school. I'm a college freshman! And I really really really really miss my high school days, now that I'm out of there. It's been 3 days so far, and today was the best one. First day sucked because I was totally new there, and didn't know anyone or anything, and I got confused a lot when it comes to the classrooms. In my one of my classes there is this really cute guy. He's Australian. Heck, he probably doesn't even know who the heo I am. That's usually the case for me when it comes to crushes/cute guys. Sad? Totally!!! Anyway, I barely noticed him today. I heard him on Monday introducing himself (we all had to do it), but didn't care or even bother to look. But today I did! haha. So yeah...crap, I forgot his name. haha. I don't think I even heard it, or maybe I did but I forgot since I'm very forgetful.

Books are freaking expensive. And always buy it like 2 weeks before you start class (especially if you buy it from Amazon). Believe me, I learned that the hard way. =( Ugh.

I think one of my prof. is gay. Seriously. haha.

The other day I had a dream that my older sister did this match making thing for her friend and me. I was so horrified in my dream when I found out that I have to date him, and eventually get marry to him. LOL! He is 28 or 29 years old, and he isn't very goodlooking. I was HORRIFIED. hahah! I think I ran away in my dream, and that's when I woke up. It's more like a nightmare, eh??

The Days Without Guys - Day 365

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CHES!!!! =]

How ironic is it that the day that I check this blog, it's been exactly one year and 5 minutes since I've started this blog with you guys. Amazing is it not? Though we weren't able to blog every day, the fact that we've all contributed to this blog without the force of blackmail, besides the sad part of us being part of this blog because well, we have no guys. HA!

Funny how since last year, I hope that every day since I've accepted that I'm stuck in a time of no companionship, would bring me one step closer to my closure. But hence that is not the case, I will strive on.

Lots have been going on since my last post, but the brunt of it is, if life doesn't get any better, I don't know whats the point of continuing. Now those may sound like suicidal words, but trust me, they're not. I'm still a virgin, so there's no way I'm dying so soon. Or any time after that, since I'm pretty sure I'm going to turn into a sex addict.

My life is at a new point where I'm all I have. No one is going to be there for me, so I have to stop believing that I can depend on anyone. All the let downs I've had, should've struck me down long ago. But I hope since I'm still standing, it means I'm still doing fine. Please all, give me the support that I ever ask of you. The least I ask for is your friendship.

30 minutes later.

Okay i went off, but now i'm back.

Guys are total douche bags. So I went to this dumb dumb get together the other day. I was having a crappy day, total pmsing, not bothering a single soul, so why are they playing with fire huh? They knew exactly what they were getting into, so why are they acting surprised when they get burned? This is who I am, why do I have to act like some idiot and pretend like everyone is just the awesomest person on earth and kiss their ass? Who the fuck do they think they are? Those that do know me say that it's because they don't know me, so it doesn't matter what they think. And I totally understand that, which is why I don't even bother to explain or defend myself, to anyone. Let them think what they want. Call me mean, angry, emo, a bitch, I could careless. So why am I telling you this? It isn't to make a point that I'm an innocent victim and they're the bad doers, no, I just want you to understand that everyone is different, so don't expect everyone to swing to your music. I am not altering myself nor ask anyone to fix themselves to be with me in any way. Yeah, that's too much to ask for, for you to do nothing. My gawd, what an awful person I must be.

Again, lots to say, but my distress is not your pain. So I'll make this short now. But I hope to hear from everyone else.

Ciao!