The Day Without Guys - Year 2 Day 46

I feel like an emo kid, sitting in this lonely apartment that's completely silence. it's to the point where i can hear my own thoughts, it's rather creepy to me. i'm blasting the sound while watching this show called "the gioi vpop." it reminds me of vietnam, oh how i miss that place. i miss the love that i felt back there. i can't help it but cry everytime i call my family back in vietnam after hearing their voices. i really miss it, i miss how belonged i felt back there. i feel so out of place here, i look like this awkward child when i'm alone on campus. i wish my house was near campus so i could go back on the weekend, i just want to cry sometimes due to the loneliness. i have nothing to do beside homework or eat. i've eaten so much today just to keep me busy that it's disgusting.

tests are coming up; i HAVE to do better to make up for my horrible tests grade on my first exam. i'm scared that i won't be able to do better, that i'm going to fail my parents. i hate how nervous i get when i take tests that i constantly question myself and change my right answers to a wrong one. i will do better this time; i can do it! aja aja hwaiting! i must not get distracted this next 3 weeks!

ehh boy, where are you? the one that'll make me tingle on the inside? a slight wave movement from you will flicker my heart? i don't want a boyfriend but i just want to find someone that will make me smile when i see them. a one way crush will do.

The Days without Guys - Year 2 Day 45

Ches, I love you guys.


I was reading my old entries. Boy, I sounded depressing. I felt bad for myself. But thanks for sticking with me. Reading those entries made me feel so so stupid. =\ I guess you just live life and you learn. Anyway, I'm typing this because I will be studying for the next hour or so with no distractions. I'm going to fail this test. Lol.

I have two best friends. They are like my coffee. I need them. I wouldn't know where I'd be without them both. I love them to death. But from time to time, I want them to realize that they are amazing.

Friend #1: She's so great. So effin great. But sometimes, she does get a little crazy. She has so many family problems. And it sucks because I don't ever know what to do. I feel horrible. But I try to be there as much as I can. She's hating college right now, but I'm the one that's encouraging her that it'll be okay. All I want for her is to be truly happy.

Friend #2: Where do I start with this one? She's so amazing. Always settling for less though. But she's still amazing. I want her to realize that she doesn't deserve the shit that others put her through. She deserves nothing but true happiness. All I can do is be there for her. I feel horrible for not being able to do anything. I feel horrible that I can just tell her that everything will be okay and that she has me because I'm not there with her physically. That really kills me. I just want her to know how beautiful, amazing, funny, witty, and everything in between she is. Goddamnit. She's so great. All I want for her is to be truly happy.

Those are my two best friends. Don't they sound amazing?

I am so lucky to have them. I really am. They deserve so much better. They are good people too. It's not fair that I am always happy and they are not. It's also hard to enjoy my happiness fully knowing that my two best friends are not. It's just not fair. I'm not that great of a person. I want to just give them my happiness. I want them to know what it feels like. I want them to just enjoy everything.

If happiness came in a box, that would be my gift to them this upcoming Christmas. These two girls deserve nothing, I mean, NOTHING, but the best.


Until Next Time!
Che Dau Xanh

I don't know what to do any more. I came down here with a plan. At least I think I did...but what happened to the plan? Maybe there was never one in the first place.
Why are some people better off than others? Why do some people hit the jack pot while others have to work to get where they want to?
Lately, why do I feel so melancholy? Trying to find a bit of happiness in the most simple of things is hardly do able. My mind is unfocused and is always wondering off.
Funny, I thought moving down here would give me a break. But I'm hardly getting a break.
I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. This morning I thought "What's the point?" How sad...

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 41

Happiness: is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

I've never felt true happiness before in my life. But now, I think I have reached the point of over happiness. Is that even possible? I've discovered that it can be possible. Ches, you just have to find happiness in what you enjoy most. Don't let the little things make you unhappy. Being happy is a pretty damn good feeling. I will tell my story now...

After my breakup with my ex, I made a date for myself to get better. Made a date for myself to become myself again and let me find who I am again. Because 1. crying causes wrinkles, 2. wet pillows are hard to sleep on and 3. your eyes begin to hurt. On that day, I stopped crying. I stopped caring. On that day, I was on my journey to find true happiness. And I would say that my luck has been so great lately that it didn't take long for me to find my happiness. I tried to find a little joy in everything. Even trying to find joy in understanding a math problem or understanding an accounting problem. I began to give more time to my friends both near and afar. I began to become a good student again. And then..I met my rabbit's foot.

In the midst of me recovering, I met my lucky charm, the skim milk to my coffee, I met my happiness in real life. I don't even know where to begin. Or how I should begin. I have never felt this way before. I have never been this happy. Ever. Even problems that were hard for me to deal with before are easier to deal with now. Within seconds of talking to him, I am back to my normal laughing self. I have never met somebody that has made me laugh so much and is so caring at the same time. I like who I've become with him. I like who I am now. I like that I can sing in front of him and not care. I love that I can trust him. I love that he's sincere. I love the look in his eyes when he just looks at me. I just..love him.

Loving him has brought me to tears. I can't even explain it. It's a great feeling. Ches, don't dwell on trying to find happiness, we're all good people so the happiness will happen soon.

Until Next Time!,

Che Dau Xanh

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 38

Emotions. The depth of our soul. How can we function without it. Or can we?

The days that sweep by me, gray in the light, and dim at night. I can't find a way out. To be free from feeling. Then again, I fear, who will I be then, if I can't feel? Someone better off? Or someone, with a soul?

Every essences of our time, the contours of our breaths, it reeks of madden life. Bleak existence is so easy. To live day by day, focused on the clouds, and not the faces that descend upon our weak beings. Clouds that fleet by, no real purpose, drifting through and through. Not having to measure the truth or worse, the lies. To breathe without a hitch in your throat, fearing the worst to come. To blink unconsciously, because there is nothing troubling your thoughts. How one can't remember. Not being able to recall the pain, the memories that bring down our walls. Crushing our dreams, with no after thought.

Forget being real. I can live without tears. Live without needs and wants. Without dreams. I don't need to be weigh down by my own emotions. This damn has broken and the process of repairing is torturing me. Waiting day by day for emotions to harden, for the feelings to drift away, like strangers, we'll nod our greetings when put in the same room, but neither will have an effect on the other. We will remain strangers, the heart and the brain. Some people can juggle both.

This person needs to let go of the heart.

Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 2 Day 20

AH, how could i forget about this blog? the only place where one can let go of the blouders that's holding them back from expressing their true emotions, in fear that it'll hurt somebody else.


i've always considered myself to be a klutz but it's okay. i've learn to live with it. being a klutz and what others would call stupid go hand in hand. i normally try to brush off the words of others because afterall, it's just words right? actually, it's stings like having thousands of needles being pressed against your soft and fragile heart. it's a direct KO. no use trying to resist it. seriously, there's only so much that this balloon can take in before it explodes. i'm human too, i have feelings. would someone consider them for once? what makes a person better than another? literacy and intelligience varies. do you think that i want to be slower than others? do you think i find pleasure at people laughing at me, not with me? i wish i had close friends here. afterall, at the end of the day, i'm the one sitting in my room, crying to myself. i'm tired of being so helpless that i have to result to tears? what are tears going to do for me? it shows me that i am a weakling that can't take a little "joke". what are jokes when you're always the one that's being targeted? it's saddening when you realize that you end up "dissing" yourself so they don't have the chance to do it first. i don't even know what else to say. i feel so mellow and confused about myself and my abilities. what can i do right? since apparently boiling banh bot loc is clearly not my strong point.

i'll be fine tomorrow. it just gets awfully lonely here.

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 341

Believing is one thing, and reality is another.

I've been struggling for the past few months. Constantly choosing between two rocks. The only thing I wanted was to crawl away from both these rocks to find shore. A haven to wrap around me. But that haven is so out of reach, my life boat is lost among the chaos.

The rocks I know I have to face to overcome it all. But in my mind, running away is the easiest way out. But I can't run far, I can't run forever. They both weigh so much to me, but yet, they both don't know how much they're hurting me. I can't take both rocks with me, apparently. I don't want that option. Why do I have to abandon one or the other. They both mean so much to me, but I can't ever have what I want.

My life boat, always there to take me away from the pain. Fighting along my side to help me reach my haven. But haven seems a distant away. We're paddling and all we see is sea around. I have to not depend on my boat and work for what I want.

And I try.

But this. Everything. I'm becoming someone new. Evolving and I don't know how to deal with anything. I can't brush it off anymore. I have to grow up now. Even as I reach the shores of haven, it's not what I expect of it. I am still struggling to understand what I have gotten myself into. It's been so long that I have gone without happiness of my own, I can't fathom what little is given to me. I am so desperate to find happiness, I am not willing to let it breathe on it's on. But I need to understand that everything takes time. I can't just suddenly have demands that I have neglected. And so, haven can't help me if I am not absolute with it. But how can I, when being in this strange place is enough to scare me back into my shell.

Rocks. Don't let go of either. They're not really rocks, as they pretend to me. They're sand. They can be pact tightly against one another, but they have to stay strong to keep it together against the waves. I can't always be there to patch up the castle.

Boat. Always by my side. Riding through thick and thin. Though there are wear and tears, you're still special and one day, you won't have to work so hard. I won't have to piggy off you to find my happiness, for you to find yours.

Haven. I'm lost. Will I find what I'm looking for in you? Can I depend on you to provide for me what I need. A place to run from the world and be safe? Then why am I still so scared of you. Scared that I'll wake up to find I have been deceiving myself all along. There is no haven. Only what I close my eyes to.

---------------------------------------

Ah, the metaphors. It was nice to let things out. And yet, I'm still back at this blog. Some vacation.

Ciao!

The Days Without Guys Year 1 Day 278

Let me start this out by asking a question. Do you Che`s like it when a guy hits on you? Whether its some random guy, your best friend, a classmate, co-worker, etc. I absolutely hate it. Sure, he wants to get to know me, cua me, etc. but it makes me hate it more rather than feel special or whatever the heo. O_o I prefer the friendly chatters and slowly developing the friendship rather than someone hitting on me right off the bat. Its just weird. Creepy. Maybe I don't like guys who are straightforward and...initiative? lol. I don't know.

I warn ya, if you don't understand/don't care about all these footie (soccer) junk and me being a footie fanatic, then skip it RIGHT NOW! Read about other stuff I wrote that you actually understand. haha. :]

So, dudes! My team won the UEFA Champions League! OMGAH. I swear I memorized that match since I saw it about 3 or 4 times. -_- I've never been any happier in my life, and of course I get to say "in yo face" to people I know who support Manchester United. =P that's probably the 2nd best thing about it. haha.

Trophy awarded to the new champion - FC Barcelona
My new man is jersey numero uh...diez. Did I spell that right? 10, far left. Okie, he's sorta ugly but man...that dude is so good and his talent is to DIE for...AND he's only 2 years older than me! I bet he's gonna win the player of the year award. :D



YAH! FIFA 2009 South Africa Confederations Cup coming up on June 14th. Its not like anyone really gives a damn about this, but the teams include: USA, Brazil, Spain, Italy, Iraq, Egypt, South Africa, and New Zealand. I bet..., no I KNOW that Brazil, Spain, and Italy will kick the other's ass. :D I just can't wait to watch my Spanish lovers play. Ahh, how beautiful that will be. Hot men running around for 90 minutes. ^^ I hope Kaka, Robinho and Pato (Brazil) will play too. That will make the Brazil team complete and worthwhile to watch.

I swear, I can talk endlessly about soccer!!! HAHA. Right now I'm going gah-gah over this Italian player, Alessandro Del Piero. OMGAH. *_* He's 34 years old, and he plays for Juvie...uh, Juventus FC, that is. So fiooneee. <3

Has anyone ever told you that you are beautiful inside and out? I never really thought about that until recently. First of all, though, what makes a person beautiful? Apperances, of course and personality. But every culture has its own concept of defining beauty. Some people are beautiful, apperance wise, but have an ugly personality. I once saw bits and pieces of the TV show True Beauty. It makes me laugh because those people are so self-centered and arrogant, and they're not really that beautiful or handsome. -_- I've seen people who are even more beautiful/good looking than them! Anywho, the show is about finding someone who is truly beautiful, both on the inside and out... Heh, that eliminates a lot of people huh? -_-

I almost cried when I saw this video. Of course the storyline isn't very original, but oh my...the singer is incredibly handsome and talented. <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RQ7_qIwO6A

Blah. Sorry. Boring post. Same old same old for me. No guys, no problem. :] Wait, am I the only one who feels this way? Che Xinh Xa seems so hate it. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, WOMAN!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 259

With little time to spare, memories come and go. Can you say you won't regret waking the next morning to find the sun has set and gone? To blink and let all pass you gone? Dream a dark pit with void?

I listen as the water beats on the rocks. Luminous life floats on by. Waiting for savor. How little turns my head. Bound by the sea of light, I search from nowhere. A distance cry. Startling life. Beats shrill the night. I wait.

-

No idea what I just wrote. Nonsense. Entirely.

When I thought all is calm, and that I had found sanctuary, the tables are turned on me. Now I have no clue. Decisions decisions. Will my dreams get crushed and the past haunt me? I have yet to answer. But time does not wait.

-

The days without guys. "When you're having fun, time flies". what BS. When you're having "fun", it's only to set you up for disappointment. I don't need fun, I need satisfaction. At least then I know it isn't pseudo.

Thinking about it gives me closure, knowing that I am still alive, and not buried under the loneliness. But thoughts come with pain.

-

Lets translate all of the above into english why don't we?

-

Am I sick of being single? Yes.

What do I plan on doing about it? Nothing

Why not, you idiot? Because good things come to those who wait.

BULLSHIT.

But even if I don't agree, I am still not going to do anything to change it, because I am too afraid of jinxing myself. What I do need to do is stop being so picky. Or so everybody keeps telling me. Am I so picky? I think not. I just happen to not find anyone that satisfy me. Brings us back to the point that yes, I can have fun with someone, but at the end of the day, I am not satisfied. So what is the outcome?

The continuation of this blog. -_-

Ciao!

The Days Without Guys - Year 1 Day 229

We have memories.
They haunt us.
They bring tears.
They torment.
They bring clouds.
They delude us.
They age us.
They're wonders.

In each of us, we obtain mass thoughts and opinions that form a memory box. To obtain this box, we have to live. Live and let live.

.

I wish I could live in my memories. Or better yet, live in my dreams. Where anything could happen, and nothing could hurt me. Where my desires and needs are never dash. I can reach beyond my limits and see what is in front of me. I want to stop reaching for what's not there. The disappointment of being hopeful. Ah the pain. I reach into my heart and pull out air. There is nothing there. Wait, there is something there. A preset of challenges. Could I doubt myself any further? To see deeper into myself. I need to see to believe.

.

Dimming lights should mean a new scene. A change of scene. A new beginning. My lights go out one by one, dragging the agony days after days, months after months. The scene is not over until all my lights are out. I want a new beginning. To start afresh from my wrongs. But there's no escape. I have to pay for my deeds. Whistles sound from afar. But never is it my train.

Ciao!