I have so much to do nowadays. I feel sad. Sometimes, I feel lonely. For example, today while walking down the hallway, I felt a sense of loneliness. I felt as if I needed somebody there to just hold me. And it kills me that I'm always wanting something that I can't have and I shouldn't even long for. I have a research paper due on Thursday. It's a lot to do. I have an internship to worry about. And I have to keep up my daily routine of working out. I hardly sleep anymore. And I think that is why I'm sick. I am falling behind SO much in all of my classes. I need to get away from everything for a moment. But it's hard to escape anything when everything is right in front of your face. Right now, I wished that I had somebody here to talk to me. A companion if you will. Just a person that will just listen. The person that I might be longing for doesn't even know that there might be a chance of me wanting him. As of now, I try not to think much about it. He's the most sweetest and most innocent thing I have ever met. The things that are keeping me away from him is that he's one of my friend's (aquaintence's ex). I don't care if I'm not close to her. It's still wrong. Another reason is that he is a year younger than me. A lot of girls probably chase him around all the time. And it pisses me off that I cannot long for him when all I want is to have him. Although this just might be an infatuated feeling. I'm not sure what to think anymore. I'm too busy for this crap talk. But then again, I feel as if I need to talk to him. He's thinking about somebody and it's not me. I have realized how annoying and unlikeable I am at times. I talk a lot and I'm too sarcastic. I think people get annoyed by that. And I'm too insecure. When I'm insecure, people take it as if I'm digging for compliments. Just to clarify things..I AM NOT DIGGING FOR COMPLIMENTS. I really feel insecure about myself. It pisses me off when people think that I'm starving myself because I lost weight. It pisses me off that they think I took the easy way out to become fit. I did not. And I refuse to. I love food too much. I work out every morning. So, yeah. This girl in my school angered me so badly the other day when she told me that I look like I need to eat. People act like I'm a fucking stick. I AM NOT! I have meat on me. Ugh...Whatever. And as for the guy, whatever happens happens. All I'm hoping for is that nothing happens at all. I don't want to talk to him anymore because I'm scared that if I keep talking to him, then I'll start liking him. I can't like him. I just can't. But he's so different. I really just want to hug him right now. I have to get back to my paper. I'll write whenever I can remember to write. I can't really breathe through my nose. My throat hurts and I still have to go to school tomorrow. That just pisses me off. I need a break. I need a hug you guys..
xoxo, with all my love
Lan Nguyen
April 8, 2008
April 7, 2008
The Days Without Guys - Day 215
Do you know how I keep building this dream world, where nothing can ever go wrong. Living in a fantasy world that never leaves me in tears or pain that can't be whipped away. I hate myself for living this way, but old habits are hard to cure. I'm always putting myself in a spot of vulnerability, and that scares me that I can easily be concoered into trusting. Only every now and then do I not feel the stab, but that's because my coat of arms for such pain is hard to penetrate through.
When a person has been hurt repeatedly, how do you stop from being a fool? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I hate myself for thinking that I can change the situation. That if I ignore it, it'll go away. But no. All that's left is just an ache in my heart and tears on my cheeks.
Do you not have any idea what you're putting me through? How do you just go on about and do as you please without a regard to my feelings? We weren't suppose to end up this way. But I tolerated too much from you, and now it's left me in ruins. Couldn't you at least spare me the decency to acknowledge my stupidity? No, you leave me wounded and alone. Till the tears dry up and I'm once again easy to trick into your absolute deed of breaking my soul.
I hate how you think you can just walk away.
I hate how you can't pretend to at least care.
I hate how you chose a path that isn't safe.
I hate how you neglected to see that there are others out there for you.
I hate how you belittle yourself to make me feel guilty.
I hate the guilt you make me feel, when it isn't my fault.
I hate how you can't see that you're the one that's causing pain.
I hate how you can't imagine your life without him.
I hate how you have to depend on so much to survive.
I hate having to care about you.
I hate having to go through this every day.
I hate how I can't live without you.
I hate you for being what you think you are.
I hate you for not living your life.
I hate you for making excuses to ease your guilt.
I hate you for causing anyone thought and heart.
I hate you for not being there when I needed you.
I hate how I need you.
I hate how you chose him over me.
I hate you for making me cry.
And I hate myself for crying at all.
Words can't express the haze that's blinding me. The pressure I put on myself to control the blooming anger. It's suffocating me. It's making my head ache and my eyes red. I wish you'd go away so I can put it all behind me, like every other mistake of my life.
When a person has been hurt repeatedly, how do you stop from being a fool? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I hate myself for thinking that I can change the situation. That if I ignore it, it'll go away. But no. All that's left is just an ache in my heart and tears on my cheeks.
Do you not have any idea what you're putting me through? How do you just go on about and do as you please without a regard to my feelings? We weren't suppose to end up this way. But I tolerated too much from you, and now it's left me in ruins. Couldn't you at least spare me the decency to acknowledge my stupidity? No, you leave me wounded and alone. Till the tears dry up and I'm once again easy to trick into your absolute deed of breaking my soul.
I hate how you think you can just walk away.
I hate how you can't pretend to at least care.
I hate how you chose a path that isn't safe.
I hate how you neglected to see that there are others out there for you.
I hate how you belittle yourself to make me feel guilty.
I hate the guilt you make me feel, when it isn't my fault.
I hate how you can't see that you're the one that's causing pain.
I hate how you can't imagine your life without him.
I hate how you have to depend on so much to survive.
I hate having to care about you.
I hate having to go through this every day.
I hate how I can't live without you.
I hate you for being what you think you are.
I hate you for not living your life.
I hate you for making excuses to ease your guilt.
I hate you for causing anyone thought and heart.
I hate you for not being there when I needed you.
I hate how I need you.
I hate how you chose him over me.
I hate you for making me cry.
And I hate myself for crying at all.
Words can't express the haze that's blinding me. The pressure I put on myself to control the blooming anger. It's suffocating me. It's making my head ache and my eyes red. I wish you'd go away so I can put it all behind me, like every other mistake of my life.
March 27, 2008
The Days Without Guys - Day 204
I paused my marathon reading to post this blog.
To speculate about a race out there, that seem to think they're above all. Back when I didn't know better, I thought there were only 3 kinds of people out there, the white, the colored, and my kind. I never once fathomed the prejudice that circulates the air so thickly constant. But, now, I can see just how niave I was. To believe that we can truly all live in the same society. How cynical that sounds. But how can any of us ever amount to much when dated back thousands of years ago, the white men deemed us the inferiors? And, being the fool we all are, instead of fighting off the prejudice of one man about all, we followed his lead and fought against each other for the man that will betray us without a sweat. Unbelievably, we've been duped for so long, no one has much left in them to fight. And those that have just been exposed to this tragic, fight so diligently, that no one would notice how, in the end, it is the white man that controls the final verdict and decreed our useless arms flaying is just a little kid's tantrum for not being the center of the attention.
Why do we allow the white man to label us and rule us? Yes, I understand that though there are activists out there that are fighting for what's its worth, but instead of fighting their own battles, why do we not band together and fight the evil with a greater force than mere sticks and pebbles? We were all told that the others were the ones that didn't earned our respect, but how can we believe this, coming from a man that doesn't see further than the whites of our eyes? We're like little plastic soldiers, strategically placed on spots that the man valued we deserved to roam, and every time we desire to cross the barrier that set us apart from him, he denies us with the words of "That is the place your kind deserves", because we'll never be anything in his eyes other than his tools of power.
And to no vial, our violent struggle to free our legs from the platform goes unheard but just viewed as childish tantrums that can be summarized as lack of morality because we've been stripped of all our dignity by force. And I applaud the white man for his genius work. For instead of minding our tactics of speaking, he appeals to the emotions that we feel. He tells us that we're better than others. That we can rise, we just need to keep the others at bay, and he will help us. He will provide the tool to raise us. But in order for us to be granted his benevolence help, we have to commit our dedication to appeasing his needs and desires. To offer someone help with no credit to back him up, no one's the wiser than the man for we were too grateful to doubt any of his words, and so we throw ourselves to keep the man happy for showing us the opportunity that we worked hard for but wasn't born to reach out and grab what was tied too high above our heads.
My rants may seem as plain words that make no sense, but just think, how ironic it is that my words will go unheard today. Because we're constantly being repressed into a box that we were stuffed into without our consent. But, more the fool is us when we throw our freedom out the door when we bargained our souls to the devil by ignoring the signs of a world filled with hatred of anything that is fair and light. So why can't everyone open their eyes and see the huge mistake by digging their own graves when their lack of "morality" is just giving the white man another push to obstruct our peace? Maybe we love being blind, so that'll lessen our responsibilities so we can spend our time bawling like babies over the lack of toys we're not able to gain by being an under-achiever. The possibilities are plenty, but then again, being true to our nature, who will even care to look deep into any corner for the cure to the inequality of life?
Ah. This post today is so weird. I feel like I have much more to say, but my metaphorical mind is dead for the night. So back to my marathon, that is, until the crawfish is done brewing. LOL.
Ciao!
To speculate about a race out there, that seem to think they're above all. Back when I didn't know better, I thought there were only 3 kinds of people out there, the white, the colored, and my kind. I never once fathomed the prejudice that circulates the air so thickly constant. But, now, I can see just how niave I was. To believe that we can truly all live in the same society. How cynical that sounds. But how can any of us ever amount to much when dated back thousands of years ago, the white men deemed us the inferiors? And, being the fool we all are, instead of fighting off the prejudice of one man about all, we followed his lead and fought against each other for the man that will betray us without a sweat. Unbelievably, we've been duped for so long, no one has much left in them to fight. And those that have just been exposed to this tragic, fight so diligently, that no one would notice how, in the end, it is the white man that controls the final verdict and decreed our useless arms flaying is just a little kid's tantrum for not being the center of the attention.
Why do we allow the white man to label us and rule us? Yes, I understand that though there are activists out there that are fighting for what's its worth, but instead of fighting their own battles, why do we not band together and fight the evil with a greater force than mere sticks and pebbles? We were all told that the others were the ones that didn't earned our respect, but how can we believe this, coming from a man that doesn't see further than the whites of our eyes? We're like little plastic soldiers, strategically placed on spots that the man valued we deserved to roam, and every time we desire to cross the barrier that set us apart from him, he denies us with the words of "That is the place your kind deserves", because we'll never be anything in his eyes other than his tools of power.
And to no vial, our violent struggle to free our legs from the platform goes unheard but just viewed as childish tantrums that can be summarized as lack of morality because we've been stripped of all our dignity by force. And I applaud the white man for his genius work. For instead of minding our tactics of speaking, he appeals to the emotions that we feel. He tells us that we're better than others. That we can rise, we just need to keep the others at bay, and he will help us. He will provide the tool to raise us. But in order for us to be granted his benevolence help, we have to commit our dedication to appeasing his needs and desires. To offer someone help with no credit to back him up, no one's the wiser than the man for we were too grateful to doubt any of his words, and so we throw ourselves to keep the man happy for showing us the opportunity that we worked hard for but wasn't born to reach out and grab what was tied too high above our heads.
My rants may seem as plain words that make no sense, but just think, how ironic it is that my words will go unheard today. Because we're constantly being repressed into a box that we were stuffed into without our consent. But, more the fool is us when we throw our freedom out the door when we bargained our souls to the devil by ignoring the signs of a world filled with hatred of anything that is fair and light. So why can't everyone open their eyes and see the huge mistake by digging their own graves when their lack of "morality" is just giving the white man another push to obstruct our peace? Maybe we love being blind, so that'll lessen our responsibilities so we can spend our time bawling like babies over the lack of toys we're not able to gain by being an under-achiever. The possibilities are plenty, but then again, being true to our nature, who will even care to look deep into any corner for the cure to the inequality of life?
Ah. This post today is so weird. I feel like I have much more to say, but my metaphorical mind is dead for the night. So back to my marathon, that is, until the crawfish is done brewing. LOL.
Ciao!
March 23, 2008
The Days Without Guys - Day 200
Ah. hahha, by accident, I've come across today, as being the 200 days! wow. soon, it would be a total year, in 165 days.
Besides that, Easter is today too right? Or so everyone keeps saying. A 3-day weekend, and I haven't finished 1 zinc of hw. Why is that? Because, I've hit rock bottom, and also getting a big head. I'm slacking because school is almost ending, and so much "fun" stuff is happening soon, I don't have time to ponder over hw, but want to do other things, like sit around all day.
The major thing that is preoccupying my thoughts is scholarships. I was just notified that I won one, for $10,000. Hooray! lol, now I just gotta keep above a 2.5 to keep that money for the next few years. I hope I keep winning more scholarships, it'll show that hard work does pay off.
-sign- I hate having to do my work at the last minute, but it seems I'll have to stay up late tonight and finish my essay. Ew.
Funny how though my days without guys aren't so terrible, what with other prospect, money, to preoccupy my thoughts. Well, occasionally that is. Because I'm still upset over the fact that I'm thinking WAY too much about the fact that I'm still single. Ey.
My parents are coming home soon, in so many days. Kind of looking forward to it, except for the yelling part. Those days are dreadful, but they gotta come anyway, it'll help build my character. lol.
And yes, school is tomorrow and everything is going to go down the drain.
It's annoying how everyone, in their own ways, is getting what they deserve. Or, what I'm trying to say is, they have at least some kind of pleasure out there. And, I want what they have. Having to be so exhaust in trying to find my own happiness, I find that very spiteful.
But be as it may, everyone keeps telling me it'll get better once I'm in college. Well, if it doesn't by then, there will definitely hell to pay!
Don't ever believe that your senior year in highschool will ever be easy and a thrill ride. There is a ride, but it's one damn bumpy ride filled with rocks and dark tunnels. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Ciao!
Besides that, Easter is today too right? Or so everyone keeps saying. A 3-day weekend, and I haven't finished 1 zinc of hw. Why is that? Because, I've hit rock bottom, and also getting a big head. I'm slacking because school is almost ending, and so much "fun" stuff is happening soon, I don't have time to ponder over hw, but want to do other things, like sit around all day.
The major thing that is preoccupying my thoughts is scholarships. I was just notified that I won one, for $10,000. Hooray! lol, now I just gotta keep above a 2.5 to keep that money for the next few years. I hope I keep winning more scholarships, it'll show that hard work does pay off.
-sign- I hate having to do my work at the last minute, but it seems I'll have to stay up late tonight and finish my essay. Ew.
Funny how though my days without guys aren't so terrible, what with other prospect, money, to preoccupy my thoughts. Well, occasionally that is. Because I'm still upset over the fact that I'm thinking WAY too much about the fact that I'm still single. Ey.
My parents are coming home soon, in so many days. Kind of looking forward to it, except for the yelling part. Those days are dreadful, but they gotta come anyway, it'll help build my character. lol.
And yes, school is tomorrow and everything is going to go down the drain.
It's annoying how everyone, in their own ways, is getting what they deserve. Or, what I'm trying to say is, they have at least some kind of pleasure out there. And, I want what they have. Having to be so exhaust in trying to find my own happiness, I find that very spiteful.
But be as it may, everyone keeps telling me it'll get better once I'm in college. Well, if it doesn't by then, there will definitely hell to pay!
Don't ever believe that your senior year in highschool will ever be easy and a thrill ride. There is a ride, but it's one damn bumpy ride filled with rocks and dark tunnels. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Ciao!
March 12, 2008
The Days Without Guys - Day 189
Wow, its been nearly 200 days since the Ches have been without guys in their lifes. That is, its been that way for me, not sure about the other very attractive Ches though. Heck, they could all be married and with 8 kids for all I know! But besides the point.
My sisters are all happy. Living in bliss. I'm the only one lonely and pathetically dead inside. My days are filled with plain plainness. O_o Yeah. That means no prospect or even the slightest sniff of a man anywhere within 100 yards of me. Ah the bitterness. But what can I do? Nothing, because everyone seems to think that when the destiny comes, it'll come, and I can't rush it.
The other day I went to my second time of my first time at a rodeo. I had a real blast, the cow boys were hot and the air stunky. haaha, also saw Natasha Bedingfield. But I only stayed for half of her show, since it was already late and I was tired, so me and my friends went home.
PAUSE! OMG, my writing is so nasty! OMG, what the fudge!!!! O_O it doesn't even make sense anymore, well, it never did, but I seriously can't say anything!
(SIGH)
So, I re-dyed my hair. It's now apricot tea. Kind of like my old auburn hair, buta little more orange red. Not sure how i feel about it. But everyone says they like my old black hair more. I'm like O_O yea.
I keep saying I'm going to start wearing eye linear, but the thought of having to risk poking my eye out and then having to wipe it...ARGH. so no. hahaha, I will eventually. Also, my circle contacts finally came. My prom dress still hasn't though. Both transaction has not gone the way I wanted it to, but all this bitchin'? eh.
What more, it's my spring break, but I have no plans or anything. That sucks. So I'll just sit here and wait till my prince comes and sweeps me off my feet. Anyone know if there's anything playing good these days in the theater?
Ciao!
My sisters are all happy. Living in bliss. I'm the only one lonely and pathetically dead inside. My days are filled with plain plainness. O_o Yeah. That means no prospect or even the slightest sniff of a man anywhere within 100 yards of me. Ah the bitterness. But what can I do? Nothing, because everyone seems to think that when the destiny comes, it'll come, and I can't rush it.
The other day I went to my second time of my first time at a rodeo. I had a real blast, the cow boys were hot and the air stunky. haaha, also saw Natasha Bedingfield. But I only stayed for half of her show, since it was already late and I was tired, so me and my friends went home.
PAUSE! OMG, my writing is so nasty! OMG, what the fudge!!!! O_O it doesn't even make sense anymore, well, it never did, but I seriously can't say anything!
(SIGH)
So, I re-dyed my hair. It's now apricot tea. Kind of like my old auburn hair, buta little more orange red. Not sure how i feel about it. But everyone says they like my old black hair more. I'm like O_O yea.
I keep saying I'm going to start wearing eye linear, but the thought of having to risk poking my eye out and then having to wipe it...ARGH. so no. hahaha, I will eventually. Also, my circle contacts finally came. My prom dress still hasn't though. Both transaction has not gone the way I wanted it to, but all this bitchin'? eh.
What more, it's my spring break, but I have no plans or anything. That sucks. So I'll just sit here and wait till my prince comes and sweeps me off my feet. Anyone know if there's anything playing good these days in the theater?
Ciao!
February 28, 2008
The Days Without Guys - Day 176
i think i should give up on humans in general. why do we always try and blame other people to get ourselves out of troubles? its just in our nature to take the easy way out of things but sometimes it hurts.
i don't know anymore. haha. i tried really hard to trust people and then it comes crashing down at my face. *sigh*
guys blah!
i don't know anymore. haha. i tried really hard to trust people and then it comes crashing down at my face. *sigh*
guys blah!
February 14, 2008
The Days Without Guys - Day 162.....
So Valentine's Day once again. Haha Che Xinh Xa said she hopes all those enjoy the day with love ones would choke on chocolate. It is kinda cruel but considering that we sit here and rot ourselves to death. Sad. Why! lol. I tell you why, life is always unfair. I say you guys should be happy with what you have seriously....OR I will come and take it away from you muahahhahaha. ok. enough about this.
So today I went to my class and uh it was blah. All lecture about nothing. I didn't learn crap. Well maybe I'm exagerrating but I think I learned a bit, just a bit only. I was dressing in mostly red... my favorite color, hoping it will bring me some luck. No I'm not supertitious, I'm just desperate. :( HAHA. So the guy next to me, I flirted with him a bit. I was like so you're gonna be a hard grader? (We are all going to be teachers and we were making a fake grade book thingy for our assigments. He seemed to know what was going on. He came in late but was able to catch up quickly. We were working with spreadsheets, yeah like excell. It is so my worse enemy, I hate it. Anyway so I think I should get to know him so he can help me in the future. BUT usually he sits so far on the other side of the room. It was just today that he came in late and so he sat next to me. GOSH. He isn't hot hot but he is ok. We do have a group project in the future and I hope we get pair up. I think he is kind of the shy type. I think. He was like answering me like .." Well.. I... " Yeah that's it. And I quickly turned out and do my usual "hhehe" remark. fake laugh as you might call it.
So I have an exam tomorrow that I need to REALLY study for, and I am tomorrow. Yeah I have two breaks before the class. So I can manage some study times. Also tomorrow I get to see the smiling guy. You know. But lately he havent looked at me. I noticed that seldomly he does and then looked away. I swear that day I wonder if there was something horrible on my face lol. Just kidding. But I did manage to talk to him. He got jokes... and so do I. I think it is going well. You know I know connect for the purpose of class, grades, and so on. It seems like so much using. But seriously this world is about exploitation, which was how America was founded. (Here I go again with my history). Well.
January 29, 2008
The Days Without Guys - Day 146
I think for Che Trai Cay, she is not without guys. hehe
Well today I went to return a book at the school bookstore. It wasnt the right book that they pointed me at. In fact the book I need is not yet to come. Maybe the end of this week. It is rather annoying so I actually let the dude at the desk my thoughts. Basically he said it is not up to him or the school to decide to order the full amount as the professor asked or that they price things accordingly. But that it is based on supply and demand. Bull. Haha I was like is there a place I can fill a complain and I saw some shockness in him. I guess he never thought anyone would actually do it. I wasn't knowing that it won't do much. He said maybe you should petition it to the state. haha yeah. whatever. sighs i just have to go else where to get my book.
It has been so long since I wrote something. The thing beside laziness is that I dont want to be having to do this as some sort of a task but rather something that i want to and feel like i want that way it sounds better and not like im force to write and so it sounds not right. not sure if u dont understand or not but yea. speaking of laziness haha che ba mau is on the blacklist. i understand the reasons still i just want things to go smoothly for once? i guess i should not expect anything.
you know being in class makes well not class but in this computer lab makes me feel kinda sad? why you ask maybe because i miss kfed haha. i told him that i hope to not see him anymore that class meaning that we should both pass the class and not repeat. yet when i said it it came out to be so ... painful haha. no dont jump into conclusion. it is nothing more than the natural emotions of a human being and how we are tie to people when we spend much time with them that we dont want to leave. but u noe separation is hard to not come to. wow i wrote so much. im not gonna do any proof reading i think i will have lots of mistake in my writing but i believe that you are capable of understand what i see in term of basic meaning even if i do make mistakes ****
January 11, 2008
The Days Without Guys - Day 128
it's been a while since my last post, you might say the big and powerful laziness monster came and took away all my ambitions to post but that would be a lie. haha. i was just plain lazy, simple as that. oh i don't even know the day system anymore its like o.o! what? haha. i come back it jump from 101 to 109 to 123? are we playing the number game now? haha.
i'm quite please with today, because on the bus, this dude made me cry the last time -.-! i think i'm emotional unstable, i don't know how i am going to survive in the real world. so last time, which was last year, i asked him if i can sit with him even though he was probably joking and said 'no' cause he moved over for me to sit anyways. i couldn't help it but shed a few tears cause i am weak like that -.-! i mean i just sat there looking out the window and tears came down, i was telling me that i wouldn't cry but the more you say it the more the counteractions will occur. so for the rest of the week i asked my dad to take me to school but school was like 30 minute away, such a long drive. BUT BUT today i didn't even ask him and he was like 'you can sit with me' :]. YAY a new year means people are changing for the better?
oh on the bus today, these guys were talking about this father who threw for of his kids in Alabama down a bridge after an argument with his wife? and one dude was like 'you got to understand, he's korean' they make it seems like all korean are killers now. i feel bad for their ethic group being stereotyping down to such means after the Virgina tech incident. and there are many korean celebs, both actors and singers, are wanting to break through in america. but i think it will be really hard to get accepted after the things that has happened. i do wish them the best of luck.
so my group project is over, i'm so glad that we finally turned it in because they weren't committed to doing anything like at least have the dignity to help me out when i needed some help on it. but no! they just keep making excuses to NOT help me like WTFREAK! if you going to put your name on the project at least do something. makes me mad how i spent hours on it and during the presentation they make it seem like they did everything. -.- i don't want the credit it anyways, it wasn't even THAT good. yeah not going to talk about it anymore, each time it makes me even angrier haha. o.o.
back to the guy subject, a new year, new guys are being born too bad we will be locked up if we even look at them. no thoughts u PEDOS! haha. you see all the these girls, having secret admirers that are willing to wait for them like for really longs time and i'm the one sitting here wondering when will it be my turn. haha. but then again. che trai cay is going to be a nun! to escape all the boy craziness in the world and live a life eating tofu. oh boy that seems exciting or not. i don't want a boyfriend or anything just some one hot to look at during class. haha. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK! i guess it is, cause its not happening soon unless i like print out hot male asian celeb pictures and put it on my desk during class to stare at -.-! haha.
a sweet love memory, is it really that sweet? or its just an illusion people create to make love seem like the thing people mostly want to obtain just to have a slight taste of that sweetness, but in reality is heartache and pain in the end. i would still like to try it out though. haha. darn curiosity sure do kill the che. haha. but theres no guys out there for me to trail and test on cause i want a lot and probably going to get nothing -.-! but if you don't set a bar for someone to climb forward and be able to reach you, how would you identify who is truly the one for you and who is the one that happen to get lucky with his words?
but who needs guys when we can eat che. haha.
i'm quite please with today, because on the bus, this dude made me cry the last time -.-! i think i'm emotional unstable, i don't know how i am going to survive in the real world. so last time, which was last year, i asked him if i can sit with him even though he was probably joking and said 'no' cause he moved over for me to sit anyways. i couldn't help it but shed a few tears cause i am weak like that -.-! i mean i just sat there looking out the window and tears came down, i was telling me that i wouldn't cry but the more you say it the more the counteractions will occur. so for the rest of the week i asked my dad to take me to school but school was like 30 minute away, such a long drive. BUT BUT today i didn't even ask him and he was like 'you can sit with me' :]. YAY a new year means people are changing for the better?
oh on the bus today, these guys were talking about this father who threw for of his kids in Alabama down a bridge after an argument with his wife? and one dude was like 'you got to understand, he's korean' they make it seems like all korean are killers now. i feel bad for their ethic group being stereotyping down to such means after the Virgina tech incident. and there are many korean celebs, both actors and singers, are wanting to break through in america. but i think it will be really hard to get accepted after the things that has happened. i do wish them the best of luck.
so my group project is over, i'm so glad that we finally turned it in because they weren't committed to doing anything like at least have the dignity to help me out when i needed some help on it. but no! they just keep making excuses to NOT help me like WTFREAK! if you going to put your name on the project at least do something. makes me mad how i spent hours on it and during the presentation they make it seem like they did everything. -.- i don't want the credit it anyways, it wasn't even THAT good. yeah not going to talk about it anymore, each time it makes me even angrier haha. o.o.
back to the guy subject, a new year, new guys are being born too bad we will be locked up if we even look at them. no thoughts u PEDOS! haha. you see all the these girls, having secret admirers that are willing to wait for them like for really longs time and i'm the one sitting here wondering when will it be my turn. haha. but then again. che trai cay is going to be a nun! to escape all the boy craziness in the world and live a life eating tofu. oh boy that seems exciting or not. i don't want a boyfriend or anything just some one hot to look at during class. haha. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK! i guess it is, cause its not happening soon unless i like print out hot male asian celeb pictures and put it on my desk during class to stare at -.-! haha.
a sweet love memory, is it really that sweet? or its just an illusion people create to make love seem like the thing people mostly want to obtain just to have a slight taste of that sweetness, but in reality is heartache and pain in the end. i would still like to try it out though. haha. darn curiosity sure do kill the che. haha. but theres no guys out there for me to trail and test on cause i want a lot and probably going to get nothing -.-! but if you don't set a bar for someone to climb forward and be able to reach you, how would you identify who is truly the one for you and who is the one that happen to get lucky with his words?
but who needs guys when we can eat che. haha.
January 6, 2008
The Days Without Guys - Day 123
I have a couple more weeks till I'm back at school so I will try to enjoy my days...
So far I did a some good and enjoyable things during my break. Today is the premeire of Cashmere Mafia that I will watch. I hope its good. Ever since those reality shows like Suvivior ended, I was without much to watch on TV. Reality shows are fun, the people who get casted.. haha.
Anyway I woke up today feeling blah like usual because of my irregular sleep time. And then I had two hambugers. (Not breakfast food- it was like noon). It wasn't all that great. I also had Mountaindew. And it wasnt all that great either. Right now I'm craving ice cold water. I took a shower earlier before I got online. I made me feel a bit better but I hope to feel even better later on.
As you can probably sense the boredom-ness and the randomness plus that kind of uninteresting tone-feeling that you get from reading my entry. Well it is probably because I feel quite the same as I type this. On and on and on without knowing or caring what my point is or that I am writing for and that there is any kind of connection whatsoever in what I write. It is as though my fingers write on its own and I am as the reader reading what it is writing and cannot control, change or do anything kind of editing but that I can only go with the flow as I am writing and changing from one topic to another like poetry and like bad poetry that cannot be understood. Okay I hope to end it all right now.
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